All's Swell That Ends Swell
by Freya Bobbissimo
Summary: Temari gets herself knocked up, and her brothers now have to deal with it.  Good times, man. Sandsib and ShikaTema love!
1. Surprise!

**Title: **All's Swell That Ends Swell

**Author:** Freya

**Pairing:** Temari/Shikamaru

**Rating:** T -- mentions of sexx0r that results in pregg0r, and Freya's potty mouth.

**Sum: **Temari gets herself knocked up, and her brothers now have to deal with it. Good times, man.

**A/N:** This fic won't take itself too seriously, though I'll be keeping these guys as IC as I can. It's better that way. The tone might bounce back and forth between silly and serious, and POVs will be switched around here and there.

Shikamaru's gonna be a daddy. How troublesome.

---

PRELUDE

---

It was an unspoken ritual between Temari, the military liaison between Suna and Konoha, and Shikamaru, resident lazy bum (and lovin' it), to meet at the gates upon her arrival. She'd come an average of once every two or three months, and though he had grown accustomed to her on and off bits of company, that didn't stop her from being the same, troublesome bitch she always was.

She had a mouth on her. He'd often block her out with his quiet thoughts whilst gazing at the vast sky, though after awhile, those thoughts turned into words, and, after an even longer while, words turned into actions. Boisterous and audacious as she was, that woman was such a crap kisser at first. He almost regretted ever doing it in the first place, almost, until it became a regular thing and she got better at it. He was tempted to ask which of her brothers she'd been practicing with, but knew his ass was dead meat if he didn't hold that nip in.

He didn't particularly miss her when she'd gone, but every time she came back things became a bit more heated and exciting. First came the bold attempt at her body, and even Shikamaru could admit that her rack wasn't half bad. It didn't take long for those lovely mounds to bore him, though. He wanted something more, she didn't complain, and the next thing he knew he'd popped the cherry of the Kazekage's sister. Not too shabby.

It had been approximately seven years since they'd first met when they'd started doing it, he realized. Shikamaru didn't find himself feeling morally obliged to do anymore than fuck her senseless, and she still wasn't complaining. Heck, it was one of the few times she didn't complain. Shikamaru quite enjoyed it.

However, there was one romp that didn't bowl over too well. She hadn't realized that a certain, shall we say, barrier had broken between them while in the heat of... things. He forgot to mention it once she started... started... oh, well, that was their business. Discussing their sex life put him at risk of her scorn, and that wouldn't only be troublesome, that would be lethal.

Anyways, that little detail from their most recent escapade was an itch in the back of his mind. On one hand, she had the right to know-_blahblah_, and on the other, she might think him a cheap ass for investing in such a useless brand of condom, or lash out at him for being a moron, or something equally undesirable, and never want to do it again. Shikamaru liked sex a whole lot, and though he knew this little mishap may result in, well, nah. That was impossible. He fed his conscience the _'she probably had the fertility beaten out of her when she was a kid, the crazy bitch' _cookie and felt better. Things would be normal in the next few months, and he'd even bother to invest some ryou in condoms that didn't suck. Problem solved. Harsh logic ended up winning against his reluctant conscience.

As he stood at the gates and watched her body fade into the trees, the itch in his brain only heightened in irritation. But, really, he was making a fuss over nothing. In all likelihood, he'd forget this even happened by tomorrow, and the Hokage would have tons of blissfully troublesome crap for him to do until Temari's return.

Damn, that troublesome itch returned every time her name crossed his mind. After all, even a genius could make a stupid decision that would cost him his life.

---

PART 1: Surprise! Guess Who's Gonna be a Mother!!

---

Temari was a woman of respectable work ethic. She got the job done and did right at an efficient speed, with time to spare for a mug of tea and maybe a quick nap. Temari and lazy didn't go in the same sentence. Well, maybe only if she got the job done too far ahead of time, therein Jounin who were barely up to par with her would glance at her in envy. Although, if she was daughter of one Kazekage and sister of the current one, she had one hell of a reputation to uphold.

She got the reports back from Konoha with a day to spare. She was always quick to leave Konoha; no one would even hazard a guess that she fancied a certain lazy Chuunin, whose title was way too small for his, shall we say, better assets. Even if few did hazard a guess, clearly there were no strings attached so there wasn't anything to worry about. Their military liaison, one of their top Jounins to boot, clearly had things under control.

That was, until one trek back to Suna had to be delayed due to her feeling exhausted. Well, they were, too, for the most part. Not nearly as tired as she'd claimed they all must be, though. She could run up to four sleepless nights and still appear chipper, or as chipper as one such as Temari could appear. Her party chose not to question this decision this time around and set up camp. They would still be making excellent time by morning, anyway.

The second time hadn't gone so hot. There had been monsters making a ruckus at the border and they needed to be stopped. She did her part, they set up camp, and the following day would consist of one ten mile trek back to Suna. Easy as cake.

It had been about half-past four when the orange sunlight barely made a strip over the deep horizon blue, and Temari was suddenly awakened by the urge to vomit. The only soldier to witness this was the one on watch. He'd questioned her health, and she'd answered it with a grunt and a swig of water. She was their captain. She would be just fine, and so she was. She felt fine the rest of the day, everything had gone according to plan, and that was that.

She woke up, same time, the following morning and barely reached the basin of her sink. Perhaps she was working too hard and the stress was getting to her, as the watchman suggested. However, she knew the fine line between hard work and overexerting oneself. She was just fine. In fact, she didn't feel stressed at all, just normal, bar the spells of sickness that greeted her when she awoke. She wouldn't lose to a bit of abdominal dysfunction.

Once the second week of it passed, though, she'd grown frustrated. She even cut back on her work just the slightest bit to see if that reduced her 'stress'. Needless to say, it didn't work.

"Maybe you should see doctor," Kankuro suggested off-handedly one morning. He failed to mention that he was tired of waking up to the sound of her retching after _twofuckingweeks_ of it, but hey, Kankuro was a man who valued his life.

"You're probably right," Temari said, head drumming too loud for her to argue. Between throwing up almost every morning and sporting more migraines than usual (normally they came once in a blue moon. What happened to those days?) she thought a quick checkup wouldn't hurt. Nothing ventured, nothing gained, and those guys did exist to help, useless as they could be in more dire situations. Kankuro had offered to accompany her, to which she responded with no more than a grunt. He took it as a Yes. She mostly grunted to convey messages and feelings when she had these migraines. He couldn't say he blamed her.

At first, one of the medics did the liberty of removing that pesky migraine via chakra, and she couldn't help but let out a happy sigh when that pain melted away. She'd forgotten that she'd come for a bit more than that, and if Kankuro weren't there to steer her back to her bed, she'd be out the door by now.

"Come on, sis. Don't you want to know why you're puking your guts out every morning?"

"It's not every morning," she grumbled. "It's just stress. What else could it possibly be?" said Temari, absolutely certain of herself. Nothing else would have made sense. As far as she knew she hadn't been poisoned, and she wasn't feeling sick at all, though apparently she was sick. Couldn't they just put some fancy fix-it-all herbs into her palm and send her on her merry way? She had important things to do.

After her ears and eyes had been thoroughly scrutinized to the point of temporary blindness (damned flashlight) there came the poking and prodding from her chest to her abdomen, and for fucks sakes could Kankuro _turn around _while her shirt was hiked up this far? Idiot. It wasn't anything he hadn't seen, but it was still, she couldn't find the words to describe it. Invasive, perhaps? Bah, whatever. He was just concerned; more concerned than she was, obviously, and she had to admit, she'd like to wake up in the morning and shove food _into_ her mouth again, rather than out.

After what felt like a lifetime of scanning, scanning, scanning, observing, and blood samples and crap, Temari was happy to finally shove her shirt back down, suddenly hyper-aware that every person in this room but her was male, and then she was on her feet and halfway to the door.

"So am I fine, or what?" Temari demanded, more than ready to go take her frustration out on some innocent freak monsters out in the desert so she could get back on her game. Her mind was in too many distracting places right now and she desperately needed to beat it into submission.

"Well, yes," said one of the doctors, looking about as convincing as one with _'LIAR'_ written in bold, red letters all over his face.

"But?" Temari's hands were on her hips, and she was glaring kunai sharp as her meanest whirlwind attacks at them. Even Kankuro was stunned to silence, and he had the kind of look on his face that suggested that he should head for the hills. Maybe he wasn't such an idiot after all.

"But," the doctor stuttered, as if every thought he had in his head had been wiped out.

Another doctor, not quite as frozen by Temari's oncoming feud as the other two, stepped in with a clipboard, pushed his thick glasses up the bridge of his nose, and cleared his throat. "It appears that you're going to have a baby, Temari-sama."

The heat in the desert wasn't supposed to go down until nightfall, and yet, to Temari, the room had suddenly dropped below freezing. She looked as if she'd had a very sharp object lodged into her gut by a surprise attacker. Kankuro looked like he was on the verge of bursting into explosive laughter or passing out. Temari? Pregnant? _Hell no!_ Those two words didn't belong in the same realm, let alone the same sentence. She just wasn't the type of girl you pinned for a mother. 'D never happen!

"Bullshit!" Kankuro said, cutting the thick silence. He'd chosen explosive laughter, asshole. "Don't pull our legs like that, doc. There's no way in hell!"

"Shut up, Kankuro!" Temari said, her voice so shrill and venom-laden it caused Kankuro to curl back in fear. Oh yeah, things were about to get ugly.

"It's true," said the bespeckled doctor, as if it were a simple fact of life. Yeah, simple for _him_, maybe. For Temari, she, she... what!?

"It's... no!" And then she was shaking her head frantically. She hadn't anticipated this. It was way too sudden. It was never anything she had planned on. Like her brothers, she was dedicated to her life as a Shinobi, no more, no less. Those two were the only family she ever needed. Her love was her dedication to this village, same as Kankuro, same as Gaara. She thought she'd sooner die than get shacked up, let alone... let alone PREGNANT.

"Congratulations!" the bold doctor offered with a smile, as if he were the only one who considered this to be a good thing. The other doctors followed his example, grinned ear-to-ear, albeit nervously, and offered their congratulations, too. After all, she was a force to be reckoned with, and pregnancy was a difficult thing, but a wonderful thing all the same. Strong women bore strong children.

This still wasn't registering with Temari, and Kankuro didn't seem to be doing any better. It was crazy! Nonsense! Bullshit!

"I'll... be in my office if anyone needs me."

And with that, Temari was gone in a flash, a gust, rather, but what did it really matter? There was nothing that was going to be accomplished in her office today, not with this weighing like a ton of bricks on her mind, but she needed to be away. Just... away. She couldn't deal with this right now.

T B C

**A/N:** I've actually got Chapter 2 of this fic finished and 3 in the making. If all goes according to paln it'll span out to no more than six chapters and this'll be one of the millions of _Naruto _fics OUT OF MY BRAIN and ONTO TEH INTARWEB. I've got other Sandsib type things I want to write because they're the best team ever and need more love. More love, damn it!


	2. Hello, Uncle Gaara!

Like how corny I make the chapter titles? This is just me imitating the names of the fansubbed episodes because I can. :P

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PART 2: Hello, Uncle Gaara! Welcome to My Dread!!

---

"Yo, Temari," said Kankuro after three knocks, and though he wasn't expecting an answer he still would have liked one all the same. "I'm coming in, all right."

Temari was so silent that, if he couldn't sense a small chakra signal flicker on the other side of the door, he'd think she weren't in, but there she was. The woman was moping in her favorite fashion, flash flying through paperwork so she could get more until she'd done so much that her thoughts resembled that of her whirlwind attacks, and sometimes she'd get herself blissfully smashed afterward. He expected she wouldn't go that far, what with a kid on the way. It was general knowledge that a miscarriage could happen in the beginning, and that those could be emotionally scarring, even deadly. Seeing as she was the smart one, she must have known that better than he did, thus it was unlikely she'd risk drinking.

Though that didn't stop her from wearing an expression so grim you'd think the world were coming to an end. If that's the way she chose to take it then he wouldn't bother congratulating her just yet. After all, getting knocked up was kind of stupid on her part, since she obviously hadn't planned on it. _That's the problem with Kunoichi these days_, he could hear two random senior Jounin grumble in the back of his mind. Temari was the last Kunoichi he'd ever imagined... well, oh boy. From the looks of things, she thought the same thing. Time to stop laughing and start being all supportive and stuff. What else could he do?

He slammed a hand down on her pile of papers, and that piercing look she shot up at him did nothing to bat him off. Gaara was at least ten times scarier back in the day. She'd have to do better.

"Chill out, sis. NOW you're overexerting yourself," said Kankuro, and in one clean swipe he sent those papers flying across the desk and onto the floor. She was going to be pissed beyond belief about that, especially later when she had to straighten it all out, but that didn't matter right now. There were some things that were worth risking his hide over.

"Mind your own business," said Temari, now standing at eye-level with him and ready to be as defiant as a sandstorm that had no plans of letting up. Kankuro lifted his hand from the edge of her desk and grasped her left shoulder, giving it a squeeze and resisting the urge to shake some sense into her. Instead of thinking to shrug it off, all she did was glare at him. Good, he'd live.

"You're being ridiculous right now, Temari. Haven't you had enough time to let it sink in?"

Indeed, he gave her four hours of alone time since her departure from the medical ward. That was more than enough time to let her hide from reality. He still couldn't swallow it, though. Temari. Pregnant. The _hell_?

Kankuro never anticipated being an uncle in this lifetime, given who his siblings were, so it was a surprise. He chose to stick it under the category of Good Things in the end, just like the doctors had. After all, much as he despised and loathed kids, he could be around to teach the little brat not to be a brat. Hell, maybe the br-_kid _would take an interest in puppets, and grow up to be as awesome as his favorite uncle. That wouldn't be so bad, now that he thought about it.

Someone, though, had to get the mother of said br-_child _thinking about it herself. Seeing as he was the only someone who was long used to her temper and bad habits, he was the one stuck doing it. Damn. But hey, he'd come this far and he was still in one piece.

"Temari?"

She flopped back down in her seat, buried her face in her hands, took a deep breath, and slammed her fists down on the oak desk, causing it to crack halfway across toward him. Oh well, her birthday wasn't too far off and he could afford to import a new one for her by that time if there weren't any spares (those spares were usually saved up for Gaara, though, short temper he sometimes still had.) Speaking of which, they were gonna have to tell Gaara eventually, weren't they? And now that his mind was wandering to other bodies outside of Temari, his oncoming nephew, and himself, it finally occurred to him that there was father involved, wasn't there?

"This wasn't supposed to happen. We were always so careful. How-" she rambled, looking confused, scornful, maybe a little regretful.

"We?" He hadn't known a soul in Suna bold enough to make any advances toward Temari, let alone sleep with her! After all, she was _THE_ Kazekage's a.k.a. Sabaku no Gaara's sister, which carried more weight than the Wind Country's highest mountain. That'd be too awkward, not to mention _'life-threatening' _from a general point of view. She never seemed to have a problem with that, so he never imagined her having a love life, or even just a sex life.

"I don't know when, or even how it started, actually," she went on, choosing more to speak out loud to herself rather than him, which was just dandy. Whatever gave a curious little brother answers.

"How _what_ started?"

"How... " she paused, choosing her words carefully so not to place herself in danger of appearing a damn fool, which she was, but Kankuro loved her anyway. Unspoken law of siblinghood and all. "... he's such whiny, lethargic little prick, I almost can't stand to see him. But he was better when-"

Suddenly too aware of the audience of one, Temari put her verbal thoughts on hold and flinched at Kankuro's gaze. She generally wasn't a blusher, as she generally wasn't your average girl, but when that small strip of red burned across the bridge of her nose, that spoke many more volumes than her broken thoughts. Okay, she had sex. The results made that painfully clear. That part could have gone completely unsaid.

Kankuro wanted her to answer the real question burning on the tip of his brain.

"Who's the father, Temari?"

Her answer came as though she herself were reluctant to believe it, or just didn't want to believe it, which also worked.

"Nara Shikamaru."

Well, now. Kankuro was right in his assertion that, whoever the father was, it couldn't have been from Suna. Now that she mentioned it, he felt like Shikamaru should have been his first guess, though that name didn't even cross his mind once today. He was too busy getting "Temari is pregnant" registered before he could go down the pathetic list of possible fathers. Seems she saved him the trouble. In fact, now that he thought about it, Shikamaru's name was the only one on the list, and probably would have been even if she hadn't said so herself. After all, when coming back from Konoha, the name "Shikamaru" would would pass from her lips at least once, be it business-related matters, or complaints, both were interchangeable. It never occurred to him that they were attracted to one another, let alone slept with one another, but now that she said it, it made way too much sense.

Still, given what he knew of the guy on his own, Kankuro really couldn't stomach his attitude anymore than Temari could. He was lazy, a whiner, a quitter, and apparently he'd taken up smoking recently. How attractive. A Jounin-level Chuunin was also nothing to be admired. If he were a Suna baby he'd get that bloody lethargy beaten out of him quicker than he could say _'oh shit'_. He was the only guy Kankuro'd ever known Temari to be attracted to (bar that one _'I'd tap that'_ gawk at the Uchiha brat waaay back when.) She sure had lousy taste.

"Are you serious?" he asked, though he didn't need to. It was more than apparent that Temari wasn't in a joking mood right now. "What the fuck, Temari? You let yourself get knocked up by _THAT_ bum? You insane?!"

"No kidding," she grumbled while rubbing her temples, perhaps feeling another killer headache on the way.

"Your taste in guys really sucks. Seriously, Tem. I know you're as attractive as Shukaku with a head cold, but even _you_ can do better."

"Well, Kankuro," she started, her rising tone suggesting that she hadn't taken too kindly to that swipe at her appearance. "Since _your_ taste in guys is so great, why not give me some pointers, huh?"

Now that was just cold.

He supposed Shikamaru couldn't be so bad. After all, Temari wouldn't bother with someone who was a complete waste of space on principle. Maybe he'd get to know Shikamaru first before he started hating him, you know, like normal in-laws did.

"Point taken, and I was only kidding about the head cold bit, okay. Calm down before you start frothing at the mouth."

She threw the first thing she could find at him, which was a book, a thick book, and it hurt, a lot, and he deserved it. Now that all that was out of their systems-

"When do you plan on telling him?" asked Kankuro, the situation becoming serious again. After all, it wouldn't look good to have Temari suddenly knocked up without the True Father to pin it on. They lived in a village of suspicious old prudes, and since her title was high and mighty, well, she was all but obligated to set a good example. Knowing the father helped. Having him around, better. Marrying him, well, that may have been too much to ask, so he wasn't going to go there.

"Don't know. Maybe never."

"Temari!"

He couldn't believe he was addressing his sister in a chastising tone. Then again, they've never exactly _had _this problem before, so these kinds of reactions shouldn't have been too far off the mark. Still.

"You've come here to get answers, you got them. You can leave, now," said Temari. Her restraint was already on its last legs. Anymore of this could result in (more) violence, and that could hardly be good for the br-_baby_. Kankuro took the hint and left. He could bug her even more when she was thinking straight, that was, if she could. He didn't know jack about pregnant women beyond the basics, but he was about to learn, wasn't he?

---

"You don't look pregnant," said Gaara, after a few moments of contemplation and scrutinizing. Aside from the doctors, who were threatened a countless amount of times in a countless amount of ways to keep their traps shut about this, Gaara seemed to take it the best out of everyone who knew so far. As in, this didn't come as a surprise to him really (and if it did he hid it well), and he seemed to have no real opinion about this. One could always count on Gaara to be indifferent outside of work and battle.

Temari chose to tell Gaara a month after having found out herself. She wanted to continue to do her work as a Shinobi and, at the chance Gaara suggested all of her missions be cancelled due to her _'delicate'_ state, she had that month to fall back on in a potential argument. Her bouts of morning sickness had gone down, too, which was both a relief and a contribution to the healthy state of mind she required to make it through this and get used to the idea. She was going to be a mother. Twenty-three years old and she was expecting. Well, that was considered old for mothers around here, especially Kunoichi of Suna, so it wasn't as if she missed out on a Full Life.

It still hung over her head that the father of the child was currently tens and thousands of paces away, sucking on cancer sticks and bitching about something inconsequential. It was no wonder why that Ino chick constantly referred to Temari as _'you poor thing'_. Maybe she and Shikamaru had a fling once, ONCE, and Ino proved to have more brains than your average blond by learning from THAT mistake. Temari wished she could have done the same before this happened.

Oh well. No use brooding about it anymore. It was what it was and now she had to deal with it.

"Of course I don't _'look'_ pregnant, Gaara. It's only been a little over two months," she said, knowing she wasn't going to start showing until at least two more.

"You've been in this state for two months and didn't tell me?"

She didn't think he would've minded. Then again, going back to the idea that he could easily pull the plug on her missions, yeah, maybe she did. After all, especially during this period, she risked a miscarriage on each mission, A-Rank and higher, which was almost every mission she had. It was no different than generally risking her life, seeing as miscarriages could be lethal, and then again, so could being a Shinobi. Way she saw it, though, bringing her _'child'_ on missions with her would toughen it (or _'he'_, as Kankuro absolutely insisted) up. Who knows, if it didn't inherit its father's more useless traits it may even have the potential to become the next Kazekage. It fed on her chakra like a little glutton, rendering her more tired and irritable than normal, so it had better be born strong. She had no doubt it would be. Sand Shinobi were always born strong.

"I have my reasons," said Temari, and Gaara's normal expression of indifference sunk into an irritated frown. He didn't like being left out of the loop, but then again, who did? She sighed, "Look, I'm sorry, but it was necessary."

"How so?" It was more of a demand than a question. Shit.

"My life-" she paused, relieved that his frown wasn't sinking any further, but all the same she thought she should be careful. She didn't want him getting the wrong idea. She continued, "-my life as a Shinobi can't end with this."

"What do you mean?"

"I mean, I'm pregnant. That's what one would consider a _'weakened' _state, which I'm sure you know, but I'm not nearly as vulnerable as you think. I needed to prove to myself, as well as you and everyone else, that I don't need to be laying around here waiting to punch this thing out when I can actually be out on the field doing my job. Even in my _'state' _I'd like to keep to my element as long as possible."

Gaara seemed to understand what she was getting at. He was no more educated in pregnancy than Kankuro, if even that, but he could understand that a woman who was expecting couldn't keep up to par with her normal daily activities, especially when her stomach expanded out to over three times its normal size. Temari didn't _'look' _pregnant, which was probably the only thing about sending her out on missions that didn't bother him at this point. He'd even assigned ANBU body guards to keep watch on his siblings time and again, though they were under the guise of your average Jounin. Under no circumstances did he want his siblings to lose their lives before necessary, even though there was always a risk. Temari and Kankuro had always known but spoke nothing of it. There was always so much left unsaid between Sand Shinobi.

Someone must have reported the subtle signs of weakness she had shown to Gaara: the illness, the exhaustion, being more short with her subordinates than usual. That must have been why Gaara called her in today. If it were up to her, she wouldn't have told him anything about this until she did _'look' _pregnant.

"Fair enough," Gaara concluded. "Until it really becomes too much of a burden, and I'll be the one to decide when it does, your missions will remain the same."

She didn't realize she'd been holding her breath until a great sigh of relief exploded from her lungs. If ever there were an urge to reach over and crush her youngest brother into a bear hug, this would be it. She resisted, though; she didn't want to startle him.

"Temari."

"Hmm?"

Suddenly, she could see a hint of reluctance in his eyes, and perhaps his arms were crossed to tightly against his chest. What if...

"Be careful."

... he was just a bit concerned, despite his final decision. This time, Temari did give him a quick hug, awkward as it was. She wasn't the most affectionate person, no, but that didn't mean she couldn't have her urges. At least that reluctant look on Gaara's face melted into a slightly confused one that she could live with, and she could proceed to live her normal daily schedule as long as possible.

"Thank you."

The pregnancy hadn't felt so real to her as it did in that moment. She thought she was going to lose everything, but to have Gaara's reluctant, albeit true support instead was more than a relief, it was a bonus! She had a mission in a few and a board meeting tomorrow, and it was almost as if nothing had changed, except now there was going to be a new addition to the family.

Eh, it wasn't so bad, except she still needed to tell the father. He could wait, though. He was good at that, lazy ass bum he was.

[ T B C

**A/N:** There's gonna be a lot of miscommunication in this fic, so have your extinguishers ready! Things _will_ become explosive!

I'm up to Chapter 6 currently and, I was right, it's gonna be the last chapter, bar maybe, MAYBE an Epilogue that involves a smelly bundle of joy crawling around the Kazekage's office. Depends on my mood, really. I'll be updating this fic weekly, just so I have a chance to make necessary corrections on the chapters to keep this fic from going into a downward spiral of Suck like pregnancy fics can do. Eek!

I feel it's necessary to make this warning, seeing as my writing style is developing a life of its own. If you spot a reference to yaoi or something and that bothers you, take it as a joke. I'm always crackin' jokes because I've taken to writing how I think, and hey, I'm a funny person! At least I've been told I am. Anyways, that's why I labeled this a 'Humor' fic, despite the fact that it's going to get pretty serious (especially around Chapters 4 and 5) but in any case, I'm trying to take a light-hearted approach to a very serious thing, and all the same trying to keep these characters IC and things interesting. This isn't an easy kind of fic to write, but it's fun! I hope you all enjoy reading it.


	3. Mission:  Father!

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PART 3: Mission: Father! Oh Shit, This Isn't Gonna Be Pretty!!

---

Temari had been pregnant for four and a half months to this day, and she could have sworn she felt the child kick once or twice by now.

She was ten minutes away from Konoha, which was her last mission outside of the Wind Country Gaara was going to permit until she had the baby. She could see that he was growing weary and reluctant, and that she was beginning _'look' _pregnant by his standards. During these months he'd dedicated himself to reading a book or two on pregnancy in their private library when he had the time. He'd developed a thirst for knowledge to replace his more sinister desires of the past throughout the years, not to mention he had no great love for venturing into the unknown with no information. Frankly, she wasn't that surprised. All the same, she could only imagine the odd looks he must have garnered from keeping books like _that_ around.

Hell, he may have known more about pregnancy than she had by now, despite having had countless visits from Suna's best medics to ensure her health and the baby's, probably Gaara's bidding, as well. The part she was surprised and glad about was that her youngest brother allowed her to do as much as she'd done so far, though she hadn't expected him to become this involved, as well. It was, well, for lack of a better way of putting it, sweet. In his own indirect, subtle little way, Gaara was being sweet. That was almost as weird as her being pregnant, which she'd come to terms with by now. Being an expecting mother hadn't turned out to be so bad, so far.

In fact, she was feeling more fit and energetic now than she had a few months prior when this whole mess started. The vomiting stopped, and aside from those bouts of early morning displeasure, she hadn't experienced anything too unpleasant; to this day simply coming to terms with it had been the hardest part.

Well, it was about to become the second hardest part, considering where she was headed. Before she left Suna, Kankuro backed her up against a wall and flat out told her what she needed to do, as if she didn't already know. She knew damn well how Suna was going to react if she came out about the whole thing fatherless, so she'd drag the father back, kicking and screaming if need be, just to prove he's there. Although, she did play with the idea of lying and saying that the father died in a fire, but if they somehow linked the child to Nara Shikamaru, confirmation of his living and breathing was just a carrier pigeon away, and she knew the Hokage wouldn't side with her on this one. Much as Tsunade-sama hated prudes, she didn't like getting involved in other peoples' shit if it benefited for her in no way. Suna would find the clandestine, long-distance relationship too fishy, quite a bit careless on her part, and she also didn't want to imagine how far their paranoia could go, especially since Shukaku...

Well, no use hiding from the inevitable. She would inform Shikamaru that his choice in contraceptives was crap, and now he had to pay for it with his life. Keh, more like _SHE_ had to pay for it. She didn't want to drag his whiny, pathetic ass back to Suna with her because he now had to play daddy. He'd be such a horrible father to boot!

"Yo!" she heard from the gate, and not ten feet away stood the very bane of her existence, not to mention the father of her child. As usual, he looked about as thrilled to see her as one who was on his way to have a root canal, which always made her feel like a real winner. Still, she returned his lethargic greeting and allowed him to guide her in as he always did, checking over her invitation, yadda-yadda-bladda, let's go find somewhere comfortable to rest so we can talk, if you please.

She'd known Konoha almost as if it were her very own home by now, so it wasn't like she _needed_ Shikamaru to be her guide. And why it always had to be _him_ to come greet her was also beyond her. Didn't this village have an entire craptacular stash of Chuunin to spare? They could send any other loser her way, so why did it always have to be _him_?

She had to suppress a chuckle. Damn, old habits really die hard, don't they? She thought the same exact thing every time she came to Konoha, though it never occurred to her to ask about it.

Well, she was about to tell him, "pack up, daddy, you're coming home" so now would be as good a time as any to bring it up.

Before she could, though, she noticed that he'd been looking at her, studying her, even, and broke their comfortable silence before she could with his own question.

"Have you been putting on weight?"

Normally, this would be a great time to deck him one over the head and drag him to the Hokage's office unconscious and bleeding. However, the fact that he'd noticed would make the situation all the more believable, huh? Oh, the baby kicked again. Maybe it already wanted a piece of its daddy, horrible man that he was.

"Just a bit. Gaara's been cutting back on my missions lately. Apparently I'm no longer fit for A-Rank missions anymore... "

Suddenly, he'd become white as a sheet, as if... as if he'd known, been dreading what she'd been about to tell him. Oh, but he couldn't. She was just imagining things. Still. She quirked a brow and he turned away. But how in the world could he know? When in the mood, he was too much a horny piece of shit to notice his mistakes.

Unless he _did_ and chose not to tell her about it.

Oh, hell no. That didn't happen. That so didn't happen. She so wasn't going to be told that. Because... because this whole thing might have... could have been avoided if... FUCK. Oh, but she suddenly had an awful, foreboding feeling in the pit of her gut. This was going to get real ugly, real fast.

"Um, I have to be somewhere, so, yeah," Shikamaru rubbed the back of his head, still refusing to meet her eyes. He knew all right. He knew he was dead meat, and she knew this was his final ditch effort to crawl out of it. "You'll be fine on your own, won't you?"

He turned to walk off, but she wouldn't let him. Her hand shot out and grabbed his wrist like the talons of a predator clutching its pray. He looked pained by the way her nails were pressing against his arm; she could make it bleed if she pressed any harder, or if he tried to fight off her grip, and desert have mercy if he were to suddenly pop and she found the twig of a log dangling from her vice grip.

After a few moments, she came to the conclusion that this was the real Shikamaru, and he had finally succumb to his fate. Now came the tricky part.

"Look," he started. A swift breeze pushed along through their hair, and suddenly they were the only two people in Konoha. Only the guards were standing watch at the gate, and the rest of the village was beyond there. What needed to be said could be said right here, right now, and she wasn't going to let him avoid it. After all, it was his fault. "I'm sorry, okay. I didn't mean to imply that you didn't... um, look good. Women these days keep themselves too skinny and it's disgusting, so I'm kinda glad you're fattening up some."

What? Did... did he think she was going to have a cow because he thought she believed he was insulting her _weight gain_? Was that all it was? Oh my, that was rich. In fact, she started to laugh, and once she started she couldn't stop. For a genius, Shikamaru could sure be an idiot.

He'd finally turned to face her, wearing an expression suggesting that she must've gone crazy. Who knows, maybe she has. In fact, she knew she had. Look whose baby she was pregnant with! Look at the fact that she was pregnant _at all_! Oh, if only laughter solved all of her problems. At least it made her feel better about them.

She leaned forward and kissed him once she had all that out of her system. After all, useless as he was, she did miss him. She'd waited longer than normal to make her trip to Konoha, so this felt nice. He felt nice. In fact, she felt the need to take the rest of this back to his apartment; she wasn't here on official business, but as common courtesy she'd drop by the Hokage's office anyway. Later. Maybe tomorrow. There were more important things to worry about.

"You," murmured Temari against his lips, planting another kiss or two on them before pulling back. She really was too tall, to still be able to stand at eye-level with him after all these years. Better than looking down on him, she supposed. One of her arms slid around his neck, and his around her waist on principle. They'd never made such a display of their relationship, but apparently he was comfortable enough with it. Good. He was going to have to learn to be, wasn't he?

"Me what?" asked Shikamaru.

"I have a surprise for you."

"Oh?"

"Yes, but it was a long walk here and I'm starving. Buy me lunch."

He sighed. "Because my money grows on trees just for you, right? Troublesome woman."

And for the first time, the pair walked into Konoha like a real couple, arms still around one another, bickering as normal, and Temari's hand giving her belly a rub every now and then. She was sure half the residents of Konoha suspected she was expecting before Shikamaru did, which was a guilty, sadistic pleasure of hers at the moment. Now coming clean was going to be more humorous than problematic.

However, she barely considered all of his possible reactions. Something still told her that he knew, rather dreaded the possibility. If he did know, he was dead. She could make it look like a freak accident. If he didn't and refused to take responsibility, he was dead. She saw no reason why she should see this through on her own. Sure, there were plenty of caretakers and nurses to select from back in Suna for the care of her child while she was off on business, but it wasn't the same. He had to be there; he had to be in the same exact boat as her, or else it just wouldn't be right. Not to mention the paranoid old prudes. That should have been her greatest fear, but for some reason the possibility of Shikamaru's rejection seemed even worse. Ridiculous. She was just being silly.

She doubted he'd take it the easiest way, which would be to whine and grumble about it for a day or two whilst packing his things, and then coming quietly. This was another reason why she'd be stopping by to see Tsunade-sama, "Sorry, but I'm going to have to borrow this from you for awhile, possibly forever, I hope you understand." Well, okay, it wasn't going to be _that_ easy, but that's the basic gist of what was going to need to happen. Shikamaru had no way out of it if Tsunade agreed, which she should. After all, Suna and Konoha made better allies than enemies.

---

They got halfway through a silent lunch at the Ichiraku Ramen stand. Really, she didn't care for ramen, but she wanted some anyway. One of the many pleasures that came with being pregnant, she supposed. The woman behind the counter kept making pointed looks toward her belly, as if trying to decide whether or not she should ask. Temari was glad she didn't in the end. This situation could result in a scene, and Temari didn't want said scene to be public.

She still had the suspicion that Shikamaru was hiding something from her, and she didn't like it one bit. She was half-tempted to stick her chopsticks up his nose just to see what he'd do. Anything was better than this silence, ramen tasting so damned delicious, and silence. How troublesome.

Shit, she was starting to think like him. This wasn't good.

"Yah-_oo_, Shi-ka-ma-ru!" chirped a voice just outside of the stand. Before Temari knew it, Yamanaka Ino just marched right in as if she owned the place, skin flashing outfits charming as usual. Temari welcomed the break in silence with fervor, though.

"What is it, Ino? I'm busy," Shikamaru said, as if he'd actually been doing more the past ten minutes other than sitting there like a frozen statue. Temari turned around and greeted Ino as someone who WOULD know courtesy if it bit her on the ass would.

Temari was about to offer Ino a seat beside her, when suddenly the white-blond girl burst out with, "So it's true? What the village has been saying about you guys? I just had to stop by and confirm because I totally couldn't believe it. You two are really going-"

_SMACK._

Twice as much ryou than Temari needed to pay was slammed against the table, startling everyone in the room to an even more painful silence than before. The old ramen vendor took it cautiously without complaint, and Temari took a hold of Ino's wrist.

"Oh, I'm so sorry I forgot about our shopping trip, Ino. Let's get out of here right away before the stores get too crowded. Excuse us."

And just like that, she and Ino were gone. Shikamaru'd definitely brush it off as a silly rumor if some random stranger were to approach him, but Ino wasn't exactly a random stranger, was she? Temari didn't want all this blowing up in her face too soon, thus she ran and ran and ran until she found a secluded place by the river. She needed to stop anyway. Any farther and the baby might feel it.

Once she caught her breath, she flopped down none to gently onto the bank of the river and groaned. Note to self, no more flopping down onto anything for awhile. Ino, nimble little thing as she was, followed in suit and looked completely unpained. Oh how she envied Ino right now, all bursting with energy and-and NOT pregnant.

"So you and Shikamaru are officially an item, or not? I know you guys had a secret thing, but now it's the real-deal?"

_Oh, fuck me._ This just wasn't Temari's day. Usually she was so good at interpreting what was on the minds of others, but everything always came back to the paranoia of her current state. How she felt that everyone who looked at her automatically KNEW. Of course Temari found it obvious that she'd gotten bigger. She was nowhere near finished growing, but it was still the biggest she'd ever been. Her stomach never made a round bump against her sash, and she was surprised as to how self-conscious she was about that.

Without thinking, her hand once against rested upon her stomach and she gave it a few rubs. She thought maybe Ino'd get the message. Temari hadn't anticipated telling anyone else from this country before Shikamaru, but it looked like she was going to have to, if only for the sake of her own sanity.

She didn't like the sly look in Ino's eyes all of a sudden. So this girl liked to play games, did she?

"Stomach bothering you?" said Ino, observing her in a way Temari couldn't quite comprehend at the moment. She wasn't in the mood to play _'Guess What I'm Thinking' _with Ino. "I always said that ramen stand sucked. Shikamaru's such a cheap moron; who in their right mind brings girls on dates there, anyway?

"Temari-san? You look hot, are you going to be all-"

"I'm pregnant," Temari blurted out. She _really_ wasn't in the mood to beat around the bush. Now that she had her lunch she needed a nap, or a hug, or something. She came here to tell the father, possibly to cart him off right away if Hokage-sama gave the okay, and... that was it. She didn't come here to waste her time with guessing games, interruptions, or whatever. She just wanted to go home with her boyfriend.

Err, _boyfriend_? Since when? Whatever it was inside of her that turned her into a blusher could kindly kill itself now, or if it was the baby that was doing it, well, she supposed it was already earning its first spankings from inside the womb, wasn't it?

"Pregnant?" said Ino, as if she didn't even know what the word meant. Of course she knew what it meant, but she was still playing stupid. What was with that incredulous look all of a sudden? "Wait, so you've found someone else and you're breaking things off with Shikamaru?"

Temari felt like removing the fan from her back and hitting herself in the head with it repeatedly. What's a girl gonna have to do to get someone serious to talk to around here?

"Shikamaru's the father," Temari said, her fuse running so short that she thought she might advise Ino to run for her life, but she had to make sure the girl didn't go around telling people about this first. Damn it all. "I came here to Konoha to tell him. Yes, I suppose you could say we're officially an _'item'_. No, there is no one else. It's him. It's all HIM. Fuck me, why does it have to be _him_?"

"Hey, hey, chill. I was only joking. I knew all that," said Ino, and she started laughing as if it were the funniest damned thing she had ever heard. Oh, that tears it! Kankuro she could understand, but this girl had some nerve! They barely even knew each other, and-and, well, there went her fan halfway from its harness, until, "that's the best thing I've heard all day! Shikamaru, a father. Come on, even you have to see the humor in it!"

"Hardly," grumbled Temari. "He's practically a baby himself, always whining and acting a damn fool-"

"Exactly!" Ino had to wipe tears from her eyes. There was still an occasional chuckle here and there afterward. "But that won't matter. You're on the top of the food chain in your country, aren't you? Kazekage's sister and all. You probably won't have to change one diaper."

"That's not the part I'm concerned about."

Suddenly the humor in the situation fled the field, and there sat two girls in silence, watching the river flow under the bridge for awhile before anymore was said between them. Ino was the first to speak, and she wore an expression as exasperated as Temari felt.

"I warned him about those Moon Glyde condoms, I really did, but he never listens because he's an ass. Chouji and I had the same problem with them, but luckily there were no results," Ino explained, and nervous giggle escaping her clenched teeth.

She didn't need to be told that Shikamaru's choice in contraceptives was poor, _thank you very much_. It was obvious, especially now that she was paying the price for it. Still, the fact that he had been WARNED that those condoms were no good prior to them engaging in The Act put a rotten taste in her mouth. Oh yeah, he was gonna get it. This was totally his fault.

"Tell me," said Temari. She would find out _everything_, absolutely _everything _she could that lead to this, even if she had to torture it out of someone, namely a certain jackass from the Nara Clan who was already neck-deep in shit as it was. "Just how has Shikamaru been for the past four and a half months?"

---

Temari left Konohagakure two hours after her arrival, in a very betrayed and pissed off way. It was a good thing Gaara had been the one Shukaku-infused rather than her, or else there would be no Konohagakure to speak of right now. For the first time since she was in her single digits, Temari wanted to cry. Really break down and cry, as if that would make everything disappear; as if that would make everything better.

Ino told her enough, more than she had been expecting, actually. Apparently the members of Team Ten had no qualms about discussing their sex lives amongst themselves. Apparently Shikamaru knew the condom broke, having off-handedly and in a very nonchalant manner admitted to Ino that she had been _correct_ about the brand. Apparently he chose to think nothing of it, _as 'the fertility had most definitely been beaten out of _her because the Sand was full of sadists like that. Apparently Ino thought what had happened that day still weighed on his mind, though he spoke no more of it. Apparently Temari had been correct in her initial assertion that he _DID_ know she was pregnant, and that he was actively avoiding her.

Back to her previous plan, then. _'People of Sunagakure, the father of my child died tragically. I'm in mourning right now so don't bother me.'_ Yeah, that would bowl over _so well_. She was totally looking forward to it. With luck they'll believe her and leave her alone.

However, it felt like she was letting the bastard get off too easy. Ino had assured her that she would give him Hell in her stead for awhile, maybe even turn Chouji against him, maybe even go as far as tell his _mother_, which was lethal. Temari met his mother once. They got along pretty well. Oh yeah, if that woman found out what her son did, and Ino _just might _tell her, he was beyond dead. That woman was Hell on legs; Shikamaru'd be at Suna's gate begging to come in, and would Temari let him in? HELL NO. If he chose to be persistent, he could speak to the Kazekage, and should he survive that, he could go die somewhere out in the desert for all she cared.

Temari always thought that there was no man in the world she could loath more than her (thankfully late) father. Apparently, Temari thought wrong.

[ T B C

**A/N:** I'm posting this a day early because I'm impatient. The part where the shit hits the fan is always fun. Now what do y'all think Shikamaru's gonna do now that he's in so much trouble? Ohohoho, poor Shika-boo, but he's just the sort of character who begs to be tormented this way. _-pets him-_

I drew a pic for this fic and posted it on my GJ, if anyone wants to see it. Just head to the bottom of my user profile. If you don't see it there right away, leave and try again later. This site processes bio edits too slow.


	4. Busted!

---

PART 4: Busted! Shikamaru Resigns!?

---

Temari arrived home five days before anyone had anticipated. The guards even accused her of not being the Real Temari, but a spy initially. Once Gaara came out and told them to shove it, they adhered to their Kazekage's strict orders. One even soiled himself. The fucking idiot deserved it, too!

For once, Temari wished she could have a sister. Just one sister. She was born and raised in an environment that consisted entirely of men and she was treated no differently than Kankuro. The closest thing to a woman in their family was Uncle Yashamaru, who ended up turning on Gaara, so she couldn't really say she felt any worse for his death than she did the previous Kazekage's. Still, it had been interesting how easy-going things with Ino were. She couldn't say she had ever spoken with a woman about such personal things, and though she came out of it feeling like Hell, she was thankful all the same. Too bad Ino was taken.

Although, Gaara's presence was oddly comforting, but he was an exception to the rule because he was just Gaara, previously a monster, now the only man within a fifty mile radius that didn't make her blood boil. Too bad he was her brother.

Once the ubiquitous apologies that surrounded the Kazekage subsided, he took her by that wrist. With a swipe of wind and sand the two of them disappeared from the entrance and popped into his office, which, much to her dismay, had Kankuro, standing and gazing out the window. Kankuro was NOT an exception to the rule, especially since he was going to lash out at her for coming home empty-handed.

Know what? Fuck him. She'll listen to his woes and fears the day _he _becomes pregnant.

"You're back early," said Gaara, and now Kankuro turned around, surprised to see her but silent, thankfully. Perhaps Gaara told him to bite his tongue before fetching her at the gate, bless his wonderful soul. "You do recall that I'm not permitting you to leave the country again until you're fit to?"

"Absolutely," said Temari, each syllable more spite-laden and quivery than she had expected. This wasn't anybody's fault but that Shikamaru's, and maybe her's for being stupid enough to be involved with_ THAT _kind of person. Oh, she could feel it again. The angry boiling that normally went on in her gut was now stinging behind her eyes. It had been well over ten years since her last Good Cry. Shikamaru was hardly worth it.

"What happened?"

It wasn't so much a question as a demand. After all, Gaara wasn't a shoulder to cry on, and he wasn't the comforting type. He was vengeful, powerful, and should she choose to tell him, Shikamaru would get what was coming. She could even see Gaara writing a strongly-worded letter to Hokage-sama tonight about all this, and the woman knew _nothing_. She would soon, wouldn't she?

Geez, what a fucking mess. Temari couldn't do this right now. She needed... to be alone.

"Rejected," was all Temari could say, and then the tears surfaced. She only thought she'd gotten away before either of her brothers could see them.

---

"Rejected?" said Gaara. It was the third time he said it since Temari'd left. Each time the words rolled from his tongue he sounded a little more pensive, and a little more pissed. Kankuro was glad that he'd kept his mouth shut; he'd never seen her look so crushed. He could have sworn that there were tears just before she'd left, though Kankuro had a tough time believing that. He had no choice now but to believe _'Temari'_ and_ 'pregnant'_, but _'Temari' _and _'crying'_?

Nope, that pinch hurt too much. This was the real deal.

"Nara Shikamaru. I should have killed him when I had the chance," said Gaara, now taking Kankuro's place at the window. Watching his people from this angle calmed his rage when he felt it, but Kankuro could see that his brother was tense, perhaps trying to figure out what it was that he was feeling. Gaara'd barely hit his twenties and he still had trouble placing names on feelings. If you asked him, Gaara was feeling pretty upset for his sister, if only because Kankuro felt the same.

Did Shikamaru really turn her down just like that? Something in him was finding that hard to believe. Sure, he barely knew the guy, but... that was just messed up. Who the fuck _did_ that?

"Kankuro, I have a mission for you," said Gaara, turning away from the window. His shoulders were no longer tense, though his arms were crossed and his frown was cynical, as if there was something he needed to say that he rather wouldn't.

"Fetch the bastard, or kill him?"

"Preferably the latter, I admit, though that honor is rightfully Temari's, don't you think?"

He never thought he'd hear his brother speak of honor. Then again, that Uzumaki kid stopped by Suna about as much Temari stopped by Konoha. Naruto rubbed off on Gaara quite a bit.

"I'll get right on that. Make sure she doesn't do anything stupid while I'm gone, huh?"

"Of course," said Gaara, dismissing his brother as he turned back toward the window. It was nice to see this brat gradually evolve into a human-being. He supposed that went hand-in-hand with Temari gradually evolving into a woman which, Kankuro had to admit, never crossed his mind much. In a world as unforgiving as the Shinobi world, there was a blind eye turned to gender in the art of combat. She had been with him through everything, and once their father decided they were no longer helpless, Gaara tagged along, making their three-man Genin team. And it was always a three-_'man'_ team, no matter how many kunoichi were there. This country expected no less from its kunoichi than it did its male ninja.

Pregnancy was the only acknowledged difference between the two, which was why it was taken more seriously. Every new life was precious; it kept the village going strong. When their mother died to give the village Gaara, it was considered honorable until he became unstable. Then it was considered a waste and pops' approval rating went down the toilet. Given their family's reputation, Temari could be pregnant with _anything _for all the village knew. To them, any suspicious pregnancy could be Shukaku and the murderous _Gaara of the Sand_ all over again. To them, this could be Gaara's _'evil' _influence. They would totally pin something like that on him and use it to strip him of his title, as bits of the older generation would do anything under the sun to achieve that, _STILL_, the fuckers.

Even worse, in all the confusion and paranoia, it was possible that said bits from said generation would have the baby assassinated somehow for the Greater Good while Temari was still vulnerable from giving birth. Yeah, having fuck buddies in this kind of village was like trying to pet a venomous snake, especially if one is in some way connected to Sabaku no Gaara. She had to have known that. In fact, Kankuro had no doubt that she did. That Shikamaru must have pissed her off so good that she would have killed him if she didn't get away, not to mention the pregnancy fucked with her mind and emotions a bit. The charms of being a woman. He was envious, really!

Yeah, their village was full of prudes, but that's something Temari could live with. However, he doubted she could go through all this just to have her child killed right after it was born, no matter how tough she was.

So if nothing else, Shikamaru was coming (if only for a bit), things were going to be cleared up, and if he still rejected her after that, Kankuro would personally kill the bastard and toss him into the desert to be fried and eaten by the first thing that comes across him.

---

Six days ago, Nara Shikamaru thought his life was going to end. Today, he had accepted the fact that it had, indeed, ended.

Hokage-sama had given Temari the okay to stop by, so promptly she assigned him to tend to her as she always did. After all, most of his work was kept in Konoha now, unless half a brain was required somewhere, then all bets were off. No one else complained about work the way he did, and the more Konoha-related work Shikamaru had, the less he complained. Currently he was a student intern in Iruka-sensei's class. Dealing with the brats was hardly the most exciting thing, but academies required brain-power, so there was a not-so troublesome place he could put his skills to good use.

Sometimes Iruka-sensei would call him out for occasionally zoning out or cloud-gazing, as if he were nine years old again, sleeping and lacking all the care in the world as to what he should be doing. It was kind of funny how Shikamaru did absolutely nothing in school and still managed to get better grades than Naruto. See, he graduated Ninja Academy by doing what he's doing now, _nothing_.

The inertia in his life had become troublesome, which was why he'd grown kinda grateful for Temari's visits. She was someone he didn't see everyday, so she spoke of things he hadn't been around to see, which could be pretty cool. For a place and dreary as the desert, there sure was a ton that went on, and the residents there seemed more troublesome than the ones here. Look at what Sunagakure's _women_ were like!

Once she started complaining about him, and she always did once she no longer found speaking about her own life interesting, he drowned her out. He could remember their first kiss. He distinctly remembered her talking about Gaara once he'd brought up Naruto. Yeah, big whoop. Lots of guys had a crush on Naruto, turns out. Anyways, this was one discussion he didn't feel like having, so he thought, what if she's never kissed a man before? Why would that _not_ surprise him, Miss High-n-Mighty with a hot poker lodged into her ass. He decided to take the plunge on a whim, dead as he was going to be afterward. Well, if you could call having ice water thrown into your face _'dead'_, that was.

All he did was surprise her, though. They kissed again, and again, and again. Again, she sucked at it, but he imagined any girl compared to Ino would.

Okay, never thinking about Ino in _THAT_ context again, thank you very much.

He and Temari had sex a grand total of six times so far. All six times he used the same brand of condom. All but once did that brand fail him. Maybe because he knew the risks the first five times and took it easy, but come the sixth he wanted her. He wanted it to last and to be something exciting he could look forward to during her every arrival. If this was to be the one excitement in his dull life then he had to go to the trouble of making exciting, didn't he?

Bullshit the fertility was beaten out of her. She was way too tough for that; probably could manipulate wind by the age of three and knock over dishes without touching them whenever she got grumpy. He knew the moment he saw her come up to the gate that she was pregnant. That woman could develop a Chouji-sized appetite and still find a way to work it off, even if the Kazekage cut back on her missions. It was so obvious, the way she was more rounded at the belly around her sash, and her ankles were a bit swollen. They weren't big enough for her to notice, but they would be at this rate. His mother had baby not two years ago, his brother Jiro, so he damn well knew a pregnant woman when he saw one. His mom was shockingly affectionate toward Jiro, too. Favorite son? Probably. It took the world off his shoulders, at least.

Anyways, he knew he handled his situation with Temari in a way he was going to regret tremendously. He also knew that he should have prepared for it, rather than denied it time and again. It would have saved him a lot of grief. Ino confirmed Temari's condition, and she told three others aside from himself, those being Chouji, Hokage-sama, and his mom. Guess what he was doing at the moment?

If you guessed _'packing his bags'_, you would be correct!

His head hurt in only three different places, not including his eardrums, which were still bleeding last he checked. His mom really let him have it. In fact, Shikamaru now suspected that this was exactly how his father had come to marry her. Knock her up, get stuck with her for life. _Lovely._

Sad thing is, that was nothing compared to what he was going to have to face when he went to Suna. They probably wouldn't even let him in via Temari's orders. And, damn it all, she was the Kazekage's sister. He came within an inch of death by Gaara's hand, sand rather, before, and that guy was unbelievable. Apparently he'd changed, but Shikamaru wouldn't be surprised if traces of that psychotic narcissist he met in the hospital all those years ago surfaced if provoked. Based on what he knew, from Temari, Naruto, and even Rock Lee, who'd come closer to death at the hands of Gaara than anyone and lived to tell about it, would attest that his destructive nature flopped into a protective one, of the freaky-weirdo possessive kind, most likely. Oh, fun. Meaning, Gaara would be protective of Temari, and if Temari were half as pissed as Shikamaru thought she was, he was so screwed.

On one hand, he could let his mom kill him. On the other, he could let Gaara and Temari. Maybe if he brought a basket of fruit... ?

"Yo. Hope you don't mind, but I let myself in."

Shikamaru's head snapped upward. Albeit startled, the owner of that voice did not surprise Shikamaru in the least. Oh well, better Kankuro than Gaara or Temari. He had a better chance at survival with this one. After all, Kankuro was just a simple guy, like Shikamaru, and may even understand what the shock of having one's world suddenly turned upside down could do to a simple guy. Make 'em stupid, that's what! Shikamaru would be the first to admit that avoiding the subject was a stupid move; prolonging the affirmation of the truth didn't make it any less real.

"Saved me the trouble of telling you to pack your bags, huh? Or were you about to flee to the Snow Country?"

Actually, that sounded tempting. Now _why _didn't he think of that?

"How's Temari?" Shikamaru asked, knowing the answer wasn't going to be pretty if she had to confide in Kankuro to do her dirty work. There was also the possibility that she didn't know Kankuro had come, which was more their style. Still, if Kankuro felt the need to come in her stead, he wasn't going to like the answer. Shikamaru braced himself for this.

"Nice to know that you care, but give me one good reason why I should tell you when I'm the one with the questions here?"

So that fierce look was hereditary, and not just a Temari exclusive. True, he hadn't spoken to Kankuro much, nor had he seen the guy fight without so much as breaking a sweat, but this was by far the most pissed he'd ever seen him. Now, Kankuro wasn't a woman, nor was he a monster, so Shikamaru had no qualms about hitting back if he got struck at. After all, he hadn't meant to be such an ass; he was regretting it, now. Actually regretting it, to the point where he had no appetite and no desire to sleep at night. Nara Shikamaru had _no desire to sleep_. This was his world turned upside down.

Lucky for him, all Kankuro did was grip the collar of his shirt. Their faces were way too close for comfort, and he could practically feel the anger radiating from him, which was quite a bit of it. Shikamaru lifted both hands and clutched the other man's wrist, which wasn't nearly as thick as it looked, but what did it matter? It was doing its job.

"You're less than an arm's length away from me. It would be very easy to possess you, Kankuro."

"You're in no position to be threatening me-" That painful tug at him did it, not to mention Shikamaru couldn't breathe too well with his shirt hiked up his throat like that.

Suddenly, rather than grasping Shikamaru's collar, he was grasping his hands, an action that hadn't been of his control. With their faces this close, both boys took a look in the mirror at the head of the bed, freaked, and broke quite a few feet apart. Now that they were both scarred for life-

"And now you're in no position to be threatening me."

Shikamaru was tempted to make Kankuro punch himself in the face, but there were things that needed to be said before the shadow possession let up. First, his side of the story.

"Yes, it's my fault. Yes, I screwed up. Yes, I'm willing to fix it. Yes, I'll come along quietly. Is that all you wanted to know?" said Shikamaru, satisfied with the surprised look on Kankuro's face. He must have been looking for a fight, the anger in Kankuro's eyes was very apparent. That's one thing Shikamaru could relate to. Guys spoke better with their fists when they were mad, it was easier that way. However, he was going to get bruised and bloodied enough by Temari, so he should relish these moments he wasn't in any physical pain. They would be his last.

"Oh no, that's not nearly all I want to know," said Kankuro, struggling against the possession. Shikamaru had just enough time to hold him until he calmed down, or so he hoped. That might take awhile. Fortunately, and he had enough chakra to last awhile, so here goes nothing.

"Go on."

"Go on? What's your fucking problem, man? First you turn her down, and now you want to come quietly _AFTER_ you _'screwed up'_? I wanna know what exactly it was you did to make... make Temari CRY! Spill it, or so help me I'll lop off your fucking head when the shadow's gone and keep it as a trophy!"

Cry?

She was capable of that?

Well, yeah, she was a woman. All women could cry. But there were some exceptions to that rule, and Shikamaru thought Temari might be one of them. Like a man, she let her fists do the talking, not her tears. It was one of the more comforting qualities about her. Using tears to get what you want was one of the things Shikamaru hated most about women. Tears, or yelling. Oh yeah, Temari did yell, but tears were worse. Much worse. You didn't show sympathy for yellers, but tears were binding, they could be used as a weapon, and it _worked_. He'd seen Ino use fake tears on enemies during missions before, and it was uncanny just how effective they were.

To think, those were just _fake_ tears. That wasn't Temari's style. In fact, that generally wasn't a Sand thing. They generally didn't BS around unless they had to. They preferred straightforward, no bullshit combat. Just look at the way Kankuro barged into his house. He wouldn't be surprised if the front door was missing. Of course, _Kankuro _wouldn't be the one his mother yelled at for it...

"Well?" Kankuro's patience was dead. Not being able to move a muscle wasn't helping.

"I have no clue," said Shikamaru. It was the truth. He didn't think avoiding the subject as he did would result in this. He expected her to come right out and say it at the gate. He had no clue why she didn't. He thought she was going to. Sure, he wasn't prepared to hear it, but he knew, rather thought he was going to all the same.

"The fuck you have no clue. Why would she tell us you _'rejected'_ her? I don't want any lies, excuses, or bullshit. Just tell me the truth!"

Rejected? Crying? Is this the same Temari we're talking about here? It must have been the pregnancy talking. His mother took things the wrong way more than usual when she was pregnant with Jiro. To think, given his experience he could have handled this situation so much better. It was different when the baby in question was his brother than when the baby in question was his, period.

"Geez, not like a have a choice," Shikamaru scratched the back of his head, and when Kankuro did the same, he ended up scratching his cap thing right off. Way to earn brownie points, there, especially seeing such unkempt hair underneath. Shikamaru proceeded to explain himself before Kankuro grew even more irritated, if possible. "Fine. So I met her at the gates, I took her out to eat, and then she suddenly left with Ino. Then Ino stopped by that evening, told me I was an ass and a jerk, and then told me Temari was pregnant. I knew that she was before Ino even said anything, but I didn't want to hear it, so I avoided the subject as much as I could, expecting that Temari would come out and tell me herself regardless. It didn't happen that way. That's all I did while she was here. If you want more information than that you're going to have to talk to Ino."

"How did you know she was pregnant?"

"Lucky guess. She got chubby, and the last condom we used may have been defective... "

"And you didn't tell her."

"... No."

"I really fucking hate you right now."

"Can't say that I blame you."

The shadow possession had a good ten minutes left on it, and Shikamaru would need every second. Sure, the amount of people who liked Shikamaru in the world was reduced to zero, himself included, but a guy still had to defend himself. There was still so much crap he needed to do. Death was the easy way out, but Sand kids were brutes; they wouldn't realize that until Shikamaru's too dead to hear their bitching.

Without thinking about it, Shikamaru stuck his pinky into his ear and dug around in it to get rid of a pesky itch. He'd once again forgotten about possessing Kankuro's every movement for a sec there.

"Ow! Quit diggin' so hard," said Kankuro. They withdrew their fingers simultaneously.

"Better that than if my balls itched, don't you think?"

Kankuro said nothing.

Three of those ten minutes went by like seconds to Shikamaru, but like hours to Kankuro.

"Err, have you ever, you know, got a guy to hit himself in the jewels with your shadow thing?"

"No, though if I got him in a sitting position against a wall it would be possible."

Kankuro's eyes flew left and right, and Shikamaru smirked a bit. If he'd been told that in this exact situation, though, he would have done the same thing. Considering who his siblings were, Kankuro was by far the easiest one in the family to deal with, as he had anticipated. Men, especially those without a murder record to make the former Akatsuki blush, were generally easy-going once driven out of rage.

Five more minutes. Shikamaru was going to need a good nap after this, granted he could get on Kankuro's good side in this tight space of time.

"How long do you plan to keep me possessed? I think I can move my fingers again."

"How long until your intent to murder me subsides?"

"I wasn't going to. Gaara said he wanted you alive."

"And do you always do everything _Gaara_ says?"

"No shit. He's the Kazekage, jackass."

"Still, why send you? Why not just come here himself?"

"Because it's too risky and he has no time to, not to mention we need to keep this under wraps until we have you. It's bad enough that there are rumors going around, but if official word that she's pregnant gets out too soon it can turn into a disaster."

Shikamaru didn't like the sound of that. "What kind of a disaster?"

Just as Kankuro was about to say something, full movement of his body was his again. It was under the five minutes Shikamaru still had, but he trusted Kankuro not to lash out at him, now. This sounded like it was going to be some crazy Sand thing that guilt-tripped him into going. To think, all of this could have been avoided if he spent just a tiny bit more ryou on better condoms, just a _tiny bit_. No, all of this could have been avoided if he hadn't made that bold attempt at her body, if he hadn't kissed her, if he hadn't... hadn't...

But he did, and that's all there was to it.

"Let's go," said Shikamaru, hands shoved into his pockets as he pushed himself past Kankuro, who looked like he was organizing a great deal of thoughts. Great, the Sand was filled to the brim with sob stories, wasn't it? Then again, so was Konoha. Such was the pleasant life of hidden ninja villages.

"Where?"

"To Hokage-sama. I have business, I might need your help."

---

In a moment, Tsunade was going to have to wave off her tactical genius, probably for good if that brat Gaara kept sending her these ridiculous letters.

Shikamaru was hardly dispensable, despite the fact that he was too lazy to take himself and his potential seriously anymore. They'd managed to get by without sending him off on field work too much, always hard on the knees it was. Oh, she'd show him hard on the knees. She's break both of 'em with her bare hands, and just wait until he's her age! Oh, he'd feel it then.

She swallowed down shot of sake, barely hearing a rap on the door before it swung open. Well, speak of the devil. Kazekage-sama was willing to put up to five Sand Chuunin in her paws for the price of this one lazy bum, because that Temari girl and he had something going on. Quite a bit of something if it resulted in offspring. She didn't know the half of it, but she was going to pin all the stupidity on Shikamaru anyway. She'd miss him less that way. Oh, but five Sand Chuunins weren't going to cut it for this. She hadn't exactly sent her Okay back to Gaara yet. She wanted a year's supply of sake, oh yeah, and... and she wanted him to babysit Naruto for her when she didn't feel like having him around. That would be wonderful...

She hiccuped, and then she looked up. Oh, right.

"I'm busy, make it quick," said Tsunade, voice slurred with the influence of sake. Her nails were clicking against the side of the hollow glass and cheeks were pink with intoxication. It must have been one of those days. One of those where she knew things were going to get ugly and she'd better be good and drunk, because anything less would cause unnecessary causalities, and Shizune would yell at her and stuff. She had just noticed Kankuro of Sunagakure standing behind Shikamaru, and vaguely recalled a conversation she had with Ino about that Something Stupid the latter had done. She knew she'd be seeing him in no less than six days, whether she called him here or he came of his own accord. Lo and behold, she chose to drink herself to oblivion on the sixth day, and there he was! Oh, he brought a friend, too.

He wasted no time in untying his identity from his arm. Okay. Good thing she prepared for whatever this was. Anymore sober and she'd be forced to punch him into the nearest wall for being a fool. When drunk she was content to poke him into the nearest wall. Bah, punch, poke, same difference. Finger was funnier, though.

Shikamaru slammed the headband down on her desk, leaning down to meet her at eye-level, as if that'd do anything to get his point across. It was such a _guy_ thing.

"I resign my title as Shinobi of the Leaf."

[ T B C

A/N: Think it's going to be that easy, do you, Shikamaru? Boy are you in for a trial of rude awakenings. I'm a very mean, mean author. I'm not nice to characters I love at all, kukukuku...

I've already got a side-story or two cooking up in my mind for this fic, like crack with Gaara sending angry mail over to Tsunade, or TemaShika smut pre-preggers (which I obviously can't post on this site, but what's stopping me from posting anywhere else, should I write it?) Who here's gonna dare to encourage me?


	5. Rejection!

---

PART 5: Rejection! We'll Make a Man Out of You!!

---

Shikamaru didn't know when he'd become a comedian, but he did know he didn't appreciate the Hokage's drunken, slurred laughter. He could have sworn he heard a snicker from Kankuro, too. Why did laughter have to be contagious? Geez, these people were being impossible. Getting his brains bashed open by Temari's fan had suddenly became a more appealing thought than putting up with this.

"Oy, kid. Do you think you're being heroic by doing that?" said Tsunade, waving her bottle around in a most undignified way. If there was one person who rivaled Sabaku no Gaara in _most-unlikely-to-be-named-leader-of-their-village_, Tsunade took the gold. The woman was just awful. Shikamaru wasn't going to miss her.

"This is the quickest way for me to get the hell out of here, isn't it? Wouldn't I have to go through months of meeting with diplomats to earn trust, signing troublesome papers and shit if I were to make the transition from Leaf to Sand Shinobi?"

"What's yer point?" Tsunade appeared bored with this conversation already, and was gazing into her sake bottle for even the tiniest little morsel before reaching into her drawer and pulling out another one. Scratch that, Shikamaru _DEFINITELY_ wasn't going to miss her.

"I haven't got a few months. I've wasted enough time as it is," said Shikamaru, wondering why his reasoning was amusing Tsunade so. It made sense, didn't it? He hurt Temari, she was pissed at him for it. Now he needed to go apologize and prove he wasn't going to _'reject' _her anymore before her anger toward him festered over time and turned into hatred, and a woman who hated him would be a force to be reckoned with. He often did think in terms of _'if they called this abuse 'love' then I hope to never see 'hate'.' _

"'Right, fine, GO! He can go, can't he?" The question was directed toward Kankuro, who looked suspiciously like he had to pee, all uncomfortable and jittery, to which Shikamaru could sympathize. After all, this was Tsunade he was in the presence of. Tsunade under the influence at that. Shikamaru didn't like speaking to her, either. Whatever happened to good old Sandaime? Oh, right, Orochimaru happened. That bastard dead yet?

"Huh, ah, sure. Yeah, my brother sent me here to fetch him, actually."

"I didn't give him permission to take Shikamaru, yet. Is that brat asking for war, or something?"

"For the sake of the people he cares for, I wouldn't put it past him," said Kankuro, which probably wasn't the smartest thing to say to the leader of their allied nation, but that was why Temari was the diplomat in the family and not him.

Tsunade laughed again, not quite as loud this time, but enough to startle both boys into confused frowns. "Oh, you kids are going to be the death of us all. You and your sense of _'justice'_. Go on, _go_! Don't forget to write! I'm sure your family will be just thrilled about this. Not to mention Temari-san! Don't think our relationship is strictly business related. She's one of the few of your generation I've got faith in. I've had talks with her, and guess what? She is _NOT_ going to be pleased about this."

"I know!" said Shikamaru. "But what else can I do?"

"Something right for a change?" Tsunade hiccuped, then tossed down an entire bottle of sake in three good swallows. "You're becoming an eyesore. Get out of my sight before I throw this desk at you!"

Shikamaru didn't think twice before leaving the Hokage's office, Kankuro close on tow. They could hear lots of glass from inside her office shattering, which was probably her desk going out the window rather than at Shikamaru. And she's one to talk about being an eyesore? Actually, she took that pretty well. Despite that, he was almost looking forward to crawling through the desert for three grueling days to get the fuck away from her. What a troublesome hag! He never thought he'd think this, but hurry up and become Hokage, Naruto.

He still thought Naruto only stood a snowflake's chance in Hell, especially since Tsunade took a real liking to Haruno Sakura. Shikamaru vowed never to come back if they were to have another female Hokage, not that he had any plans to return, or anything.

"I guess I'd better get my things, say goodbye to my family and stuff... " said Shikamaru, glad to finally be out of the Hokage's stinkin' building.

"Okay, man. You sure you're okay with this?"

"Does it matter? It's my fault, I've got to pay the consequences, don't I?"

"Well, yeah," said Kankuro, looking like he had quite a bit weighing on his mind. "You didn't have to resign, though. We only needed you long enough to prove you existed. Then you could have, you know... "

"I know, but like I said, I don't feel like going through all that. Never liked being a ninja anyway... "

"Temari's going to hate this, just as a fair warning."

Shikamaru took out a cigarette and fired it up, no longer in the mood for this conversation. He knew, because nobody poked and prodded him into advancing into a Jounin-level ninja as much as she had. Jounins got all the more complicated, bloody missions to swallow, and he just didn't think he was cut out for them. Sorry, but he considered himself to be a bit more human than your average Shinobi. He couldn't stand to watch people he cared for die, he didn't want to be the cause of it, and he didn't like failure. When he invested all of his heart into something, failure was his biggest fear, and thus he couldn't bring himself to do much. He was always eligible for the Jounin exams, and he slept in through each one, never bothering. He simply didn't want to do field work anymore, which was why he took a look into the Ninja Academy. If he couldn't do it, then maybe there were some there who could; some he could instruct and get them get to where they needed to be. As long as his skills were being put to use _somehow_, what did anyone have to bitch about?

Of course, he didn't even have to do that much, now. He could just go to Suna a straight up civilian, if the Kazekage permitted it. Maybe he could open up shop somewhere, or something like that. It wouldn't be the greatest, but he hadn't exactly dedicated himself to living the greatest life from here on out, had he?

---

Traveling through the desert on foot had been a fucking drag. This did, of course, mean that Shikamaru was never going to do it again.

He had not gone to Sunagakure nearly as much as Temari had come to Konoha, mostly because he hated it more and more each time he went. Now, while that hate was at a moderate level, he'd better get used to sunburns, snake bites, and never-ending sweat, because that was what the rest of his life was made of. The clouds in the sky weren't nearly as plentiful, and quite dreary to look upon. Oy-oy, and he had made his friends pretty angry with his whole _'have a nice life' _way of saying goodbye. Ino flung about fifteen various insults at him before squeezing him into a hug, Chouji cried. Damn, that was the real killer right there. He wanted to bring them with him, but he couldn't. Their home was in Konoha; they hadn't forfeited that home because of one stupid little mistake that could have easily been avoided.

He wiped the sweat that accumulated at his brow. So. Fucking. HOT. No wonder everyone here was crazy. Heat did horrible things to the mind.

"Geez, how in the hell can you wear that?" Shikamaru asked Kankuro, referring to the signature black body suit he had on. Not to mention matching gloves and a hat. Just add a scarf and he could survive an entire winter in Konoha in just that. Was he out of his fucking _mind_? It never occurred to Shikamaru to ask. Of course, he'd never traveled to Sunagakure with Kankuro before.

"It was the traditional outfit of master puppeteers from old legends, war paint and everything," Kankuro boasted, as if he were thrilled Shikamaru asked. Yeah, that's great and all, but had it seriously never occurred to anybody that his outfit looked like a deathtrap in the freaking _desert_? It was sooo... **BLACK**. With long sleeves and pants and stuff. Shikamaru could feel his body temperature rise just by looking at it!

"Why black?" Shikamaru said.

"Black was their traditional color."

"Did they have a death wish?"

Kankuro's face dropped, almost as if Shikamaru'd kicked his puppy. That was a sore spot honest curiosity didn't intend to smash, but he had to know. _'Black'_ and _'desert' _were like... like Chouji and salt-free potato chips! Just. Plain. _Wrong._

"You really can't see the genius behind the mechanism?"

"There is nothing _'genius' _to me about wearing all black in the desert, no."

"Damn newbie. I guess I gotta explain everything to you, don't I? For this, remind Temari that she's to become my personal slave after she has the brat, won't you?"

"Like hell," Shikamaru muttered. "Come on, why black?"

Kankuro sighed.

"Well, it's like this. Unlike Gaara and Temari, I haven't mastered any fancy elements to protect my body from the heat, okay? You know, Gaara's got his Sand, and Temari's got her Wind. Anyways, the black's to build and maintain strong heat resistance. Yes, if you wore this you'd feel like death, but I feel fine since I'm used to it. That answer your question?"

Somehow, Shikamaru thought that should have been obvious from the get-go, and had to resist the urge to smack himself in the forehead. So the heat gave him brain farts. As Kankuro said, _'damn newbie'_.

"I take it high proof sunscreen and a tank top doesn't cut it here."

"Tch, not unless you want your skin boiled clean off. You've got a lot to learn."

There was a pause, and if Shikamaru didn't know any better he thought he could see the cliffs up ahead.

"Looks like we're about an hour away," said Kankuro, popping the cap off a canteen of water and having some. Now that he'd done that, Shikamaru realized he was parched. He drank all of his water already, though, damn it! This journey really was too long and hot, and he felt like his brain was boiling in a pool of acid. What he wouldn't give for a shower and a nap. What he wouldn't fucking give...

"So are we going, or what?" Because the sooner they got there, the sooner they could rest. That sounded wonderful.

"In a sec," said Kankuro. He spotted a rock a few feet away, checking it for snakes and scorpions and other _'sucks-to-be-you-if-it-crawls-into-your-pants' _type things. Once his inspection was complete, he summoned Shikamaru over. "Sit."

"You sure?" Because once he sat he wasn't getting back up for quite some time. His feet were throbbing and boiling to the point of extreme Hell. He almost wanted to cry. Almost.

"They'll be by with mules in a few. I gave the signal."

"What signal?"

"What does it matter? We've got less than an hour, now. There's a lot you need to know. After watching that tear-filled display with your friends back in Konoha, I would have made a real dick of myself throwing this kind of stuff at you right afterward."

Yeah, like tossing _'this kind of stuff'_ at him NOW while he was hot, sore, and miserable was any better. And for the record, Chouji was the only one that cried. Even his own parents readily waved him off. Well, he was well of age, now. Time to start making his own life, taking responsibility for his own actions and all. His dad was proud that he was going. His mom, well, every shred of concern his mom showed was for Temari. She even baked a batch of cookies for her, and just _had_ to put almonds in them because Shikamaru was allergic. Her faith in him was overwhelming, really. Other friends, such as Kiba, Neji, Lee, Sakura, and so on offered their congratulations for the baby, or wished him luck, or something. He wondered where the hell Naruto was, but couldn't find him anywhere. Whatever. He and Gaara were good friends, apparently, so he doubted he'd seen the last of Naruto. For all Shikamaru knew, Naruto was in Suna right now.

That could be beneficial for Shikamaru's health, actually. If Naruto were there to keep Gaara calm then that was one less candidate out for Shikamaru's blood, wasn't it?

In any case, Shikamaru had taken a seat on the rock Kankuro offered. This talk must have been something to give Shikamaru the three days to cope with leaving his home for good before tossing it at him. Must have been Good Intentions on Kankuro's part, and Shikamaru had a hunch he wouldn't be seeing much of those from anyone for awhile to come. He was up to his ears in shit as it was. Really sucky place to be, by the way.

---

If Shikamaru was up to his ears in shit before, he was twenty feet under by now, and he hadn't even seen Temari yet. This was easily becoming one of the worst days of his life. Worse than failing on his very first mission as a Chuunin. Worse than all those Chuunin exams he had to organize. Worse than, fuck, worse than craving a cigarette, which he had been out of by Day Two of the trip. Maybe that was the worst part.

He wasn't a romantic by any means. He never anticipated falling in love and raising a family. Secretly, he hoped he could just be an asexual hermit in his old age with no offspring. Why in the hell did he have to bang Ino that one time and come to enjoy it? Worse, why in the hell did he have to bang Temari those six times afterward and come to regret it? He was going to be a father of the worst kind, by accident. This sucked, and there was absolutely no way out of it, given what he knew of the people of the Sand, now. Lingering paranoia of Shukaku (which apparently had been taken back by Suna, sealed back into a tea kettle, or whatever it was, and locked away after Akatsuki's fall) and Gaara had a powerful influence on these people. Powerful enough to dash the baby's brains out if it were remotely suspicious. He couldn't imagine Gaara allowing that to happen, if he really were as good now as everyone claimed, but they would find ways. Oh, according to Kankuro, they'd found ways to catch Gaara off guard when he was still Shukaku's young vessel, with only the Automatic Defense to protect him.

These were a sick bunch, making weapons of mass destruction out of people. What the fuck, man? This made Tsunade seem sane, even if she had threatened to throw a desk at him.

Good thing he came as quickly as he did. He knew he was right. Now he just needed to brace himself for Temari.

He and Kankuro reached the foot of the Kazekage's manor, palace, whatever you could call it. It wasn't exactly fancy, but it was the largest residence in the entire village, so it was something. Anyways, an assistant offered to take his things up to his quarters, since he wasn't welcome or trusted enough to go straight to Temari's, perhaps. Huh? Oh, right, he was a dick to her the last time they saw each other.

Kankuro said he'd personally be directing Shikamaru to his quarters, help him get settled, give him the grand tour, all that good stuff. For someone who was infuriated with him not too long ago, Kankuro was proving to be a pretty decent guy. Shikamaru knew he'd learn to appreciate Kankuro more as time went on, too; perhaps he was already something like a best friend, Sand-wise, anyway. He could use all the friends he could get right about now.

There was a drop of impending doom in Shikamaru's gut when the first place they reached was the Kazekage's office. Well, duh, his presence would have to be made known and approved by Gaara, wouldn't it? However, Gaara and Temari collectively on the other side of the door was suicide. What's worse, Kankuro had to shove him in and shut the door behind him when his legs refused to function, leaving him all alone to die. Fan-fucking-tastic. Some friend he was.

Well, this was what he came here for, so he may as well let all the shit hit the fan at once. Maybe it'd be less troublesome that way. His vocal cords seemed to lose the ability to function, just like his legs, which were still throbbing from the Endless Walk (oh, how he hated those.) The sight of her did it. Her arms had been crossed and she was wearing a very pointed scowl on her face, as though she'd rather be anywhere _but_ here at the moment (currently, he was feeling the same way. Imagine that.) Gaara, however, wore a very indifferent expression, which had probably come to be his default expression (but that's what made it more troublesome. He had no clues as to what the guy must be thinking.) Well, this was off to a great start. He couldn't stand the way the two of them were just hanging around staring, as if they were deciding which way they should torture him first.

"Nara Shikamaru," Gaara said, his voice every bit as blank as his expression. "Welcome. I trust you're in good shape and had a safe trip."

"Err, yeah," said Shikamaru, looking everywhere but at them at the moment, which he really shouldn't have done. Once he turned his eyes back toward the desk, Gaara was standing a foot away right at eye-level with him, maybe taller. Fuck, that guy was fast. His heart may have skipped a beat there.

Gaara was observing him.

"You normally wear your identity on your arm," said Gaara. By identity he must have meant the metal plate with Konoha's leaf etched in it. Well, better to come clean sooner than later. He only learned that the hard way not one week ago. "Where is it?"

It didn't seem nearly as cool as it did when he'd slammed the band down on Tsunade's desk. However, "I quit. I'm no longer under Shinobi status."

"You WHAT?!" was the first thing Temari had said since his arrival. Yeah, he thought she'd take it that way. He had a pretty good explanation for it scrapped up in the span of three days, but he lost it.

Time to improvise.

"I didn't want to deal with the trouble of going through a gradual transition, so I resigned and opted to spend the rest of my days as a civilian here."

Temari's mouth bounced up and down like a fish out of water, and now that Gaara was out of his face and back in his seat, Shikamaru took this moment to get this one good look at her, because it might be his last. She was dressed in a more casual fashion than he was used to seeing, a light blue tunic and a skirt, no mesh today. If it wasn't obvious that she was pregnant before, it sure was now! In fact, she probably dressed for the occasion. She liked hitting him where it hurt, sadistic bitch that she was. No different than your average Sand freak.

"Why should I allow that?" Gaara asked. Damn, that guy was the one in full power. Shikamaru had better make this convincing.

"Because... " Yeah, that was _real _convincing.

"Because?"

"You know, she's a Shinobi. She could... she won't be around so much and could possibly lose her life, so someone should-"

"That's what servants are for. Try again," said Gaara. He didn't know when this guy had developed a dry sense of humor, if you could call it that, but Shikamaru didn't appreciate it right now. Well, that approach didn't work, and he didn't dare chance a glance at Temari after that. At least, not until she spoke up.

"Let him do what he wants, Gaara."

The smile on Temari's face was laced with enough malice to take out an entire army. Here we go.

"He won't be hanging around here, though. I'll have nothing to do with a man of his sort," she continued. "Good luck trying to find a cheap apartment that's not roach infested. Most of the impoverished civilian homes are highly infested. Only Shinobi get paid enough in this country to live in better residents. A popular D-Rank mission is to deroach said homes, and most Genins hate it. Some of them even break down crying and beg Gaara not to assign Bug Duty to them."

"It's true," Gaara confirmed, probably going down the long list of Genins on Bug Duty in his mind. Man, and Shikamaru thought milking cows and weeding lawns was troublesome? That sounded disgusting.

"Vendors don't make a whole lot of money, having to spend most of their profits on importing new goods, and all. The amount of water one can use a day is very limited, so consider yourself lucky if you get to bathe once every month. Also, unless you have chakra-based means of which to protect yourself from the sun, I suggest you get clothing that will cover you from head to toe. I can already see that you've been burned in some places."

It was true, and now he was going back to the discussion he had with Kankuro earlier about desert garb. He'd rather avoid black if he could, though, wussy little n00b that he was.

Speaking of discussions with Kankuro.

"That's just an empty threat. You need me, don't you?" said Shikamaru, thinking that he had somehow gained an advantage here.

Neither of their gazes wavered in the slightest, so he was either making an ass of himself, or they were good at hiding their surprise.

"What makes you think I need you?" said Temari, her voice on the rise of scorn, and some hurt buried deep underneath.

"Don't you have some prudish, paranoid old men on your ass about the _'suspicious'_ child?"

"I could tell them them the truth about what happened," Temari suggested. "The whole truth. There would be an enormous dent in my reputation and I would suffer years of disapproval and hateful glances for my insolence. My child may suffer, too."

"Then why-"

"In this generation, giving up on yourself and those you care for is considered to be the greatest offense any high citizen of Sunagakure could possibly commit," said Gaara, just as Temari was about to say the same. Oh, well that sucked. Apparently he had committed the Greatest Offense without even knowing it. And now, for fucks sake, Naruto was going to say the same thing when he became Hokage, if he became Hokage, which he was doubting less and less. So, his forfeiture from the his last match of the Chuunin exams all those years ago would be considered an insult to this country, as well as when he was willing to give up his title of Shinobi after the first mission he'd screwed up. Generally, he was a quitter, and now Temari and Gaara weren't going to have him. This was worse than troublesome. This... this made him want his mommy.

"Although," said Temari, and that almost sounded promising. "There may be hope for you yet. I am certified to teach at the Ninja Academy. In fact, Kankuro, Gaara, and I were the ones to open the school to the younger generation here."

"... How did you determine worthy Shinobi beforehand?" Shikamaru was almost afraid to ask. He had an idea as to where this conversation would lead, so he was going to keep it alive just to see.

"Basically like your third stage of the Chuunin Exams. Combat, winners became Genin, losers usually died."

Well, that was just lovely.

"So why should I care if you're certified to teach?" To tell the truth, Shikamaru was kind of jealous. It's what he'd been aiming for back when he was still a Chuunin of the Leaf and, well, for her to just be certified was kind of out of the blue and annoying. Why must she always find a way to one-up him?

"Because it's a vital point in determining your place here in this village. Right now, I recognize you as someone worthy of being a Genin of the Sand. And, in May, our Chuunin exams will be held, which I also recommend, and they're no shit. You give up, you die. You're more than eligible for it if you get off your lazy duff and try.

"So what's it going to be?"

The whole gradual transition thing would have been easier, for fucks sakes. He watched as Gaara handed Temari a new headband, the symbol of the Sand etched in the center of the silver plate and everything. Now was the time to weigh his options. He'd committed himself to living the rest of his days as a civilian at first, which, disgusting as the lack of showers and the roaches sounded, was a touch more appealing than living the life of a ninja again. He couldn't stand to think of what would happen, should a day come where both he and Temari wind up dead and their kid suffers as a result. He knew and accepted that he could be a coward. Most people in their right mind were, because most people in their right mind liked living.

On the other hand, he was responsible for this whole mess. Once again this woman was defeating him; getting the better of him in all ways she could. She was willing to risk her happiness and respect just to keep him away if he wasn't going to be the kind of person and father he should be.

Yeah, he hated it so damn much, the life of a ninja, but he also knew he'd hate it more if he didn't take that headband from the palm of her hand. They met as ninja, fought for and against one another as ninja, grown close to one another as ninja, and now, whether they died on the field or died an old couple, they would be ninja.

He'd avoid advancing to Jounin if he could help it, though, if only to piss her off.

"Wipe that disgusting look off your face, won't you? You're scaring me," said Shikamaru, and he took the band from her hand and tied it around his arm, just as he had his old one. Only now, he was a Genin of the Sand. Damn, he sure hoped he wasn't the only Genin who wasn't a snot-nosed brat around here.

"If that scares you, just imagine how I felt," said Temari. She had her fist arched above her head, ready to beat the snot out of him. Well, that was fine. Bruises were better than death, or roaches. He clenched his eyes shut as that fist began to soar, because she would make the first one count. Instead of feeling his jawbone go crack, or his nose go crooked, he felt his neck being hooked in her arm. Then he found himself crushed against her chest, wary of the stomach, of course. He felt her sigh, a very heart-felt sigh that seemed to blow every bit of tension out of the room. Heh, the relief was mutual, baby. His arms snaked up her spine, hands resting at the shoulders, and they kept like that for a long time. Gaara didn't appear to be paying any attention to them at the moment, taking this time to gaze out the window, and they had a pretty nice view from this height, actually. He supposed he could live here.

"However," said Temari. Her tone was grim and serious, and she was suddenly clutching his shoulders with all her might, meaning for it hurt like hell, but he let her have it. He was listening. "I'm not kidding, Shikamaru. Get your title back. Don't you dare get lazy or decide you don't feel like fighting. If you... I swear if you fuck this up and die I'll kill you. I will maim, slaughter, and burn your remains until there's nothing left, you hear mrph-"

She was complaining again. Good to have her back because he missed stopping those lips.

[ T B C


	6. Never Give Up!

---

PART 6: Never Give Up! Pushing Towards Freedom!!

---

Shikamaru had only been living in Sunagakure for about four lifetimes. Well, four months literally, but it was the feeling that counted more than the logic. We'll just say that the Sand Village hasn't made him the happiest of campers.

For the first time in who knew how long, Shikamaru was able to step into some comfortable clothing without a single trail of perspiration running down his temples. The Chuunin exams were about twelve hours away, so his personal Jounin instructor finally decided to cut him a break and call it a day early. Shikamaru took this fortunate opportunity to nap, bathe, even nap while bathing. Afterward, he only ached from head to toe and felt as though every speck of energy had been beaten out of him, so a night of well-earned rest was definitely in order, after a snack and maybe a book.

Shikamaru had a sandwich and a glass of milk, happy to taste something other than _sand_ for a change. Afterward, he vacated the kitchen on spotting the sun fading behind the mountains through long, ovular windows. There was a beautiful view from every window in the Kazekage's residence. However, the sun and he were not the greatest of friends. He'd been experimenting with his shadow technique to see if he could concoct a sort of self-made shade to protect himself from the sun so long-sleeved tunics and heavy cloaks didn't have to. He had no such luck so far, but he was working on it! Every little way to make the heat more bearable counted.

_And that's just natural means of torment_, thought Shikamaru as he wandered through the halls. His Jounin instructor made every waking moment of his life sheer Hell. It was bad enough that the Jounin assigned personally to him was a woman. Leave it to Temari to push all of his buttons, not that Atsuko-sensei didn't do a damn good job of that herself. She was the kind of Jounin that only dealt with _'special'_ cases. Apparently Gaara almost ended up in her care, rather than being placed on a team with his two siblings as he was. Having been told that, Shikamaru was right to expect the worst. His muscles were still screaming about it.

Shikamaru reached his destination. He still hadn't a drop of sweat to speak of on his body and he was going to keep it that way. The Kazekage's private library was located on the bottom floor, a sort of basement-like accommodation. It was the coolest room in the place. He'd often sneak down there and grab a nap, as very few had access to the area. It wasn't like Gaara would kill him for wanting to rest every now and then. Well, technically he could, but he cared just enough for Temari to spare her feelings. Shikamaru supposed the guy really had changed.

Speaking of change, Shikamaru wondered what had driven him to come this far. Sure, he'd fucked up and paid for it with his life, and yet it felt as though he'd given more than that. That damned Atsuko. He wondered what Asuma would have thought of her. On the first day of training Shikamaru fired up a smoke, and she manipulated the ground into the shape of a fist. It gave him a mean uppercut, knocking the cigarette right out of his mouth and leaving behind one mean bruise. She told him that the next one he lit up would be knocked out with a few teeth to keep it company, fucking bitch. He hadn't smoked another cigarette since, not that it mattered. She had him doing so much that he'd been too exhausted to acknowledge when he was having cravings. Rather, he did notice, but couldn't be bothered to care. It was either train or sleep, train or sleep, with barely enough short time intervals to fit eating and taking a whiz into the schedule. This must have been what being a slave to one's own stupidity felt like.

At the beginning of training, Shikamaru was left to survive out in the desert with one kunai and a pocket-sized desert survival manual for a week. Sand was quite troublesome, absorbing blistering heat by day, then growing brisk by night. He was trapped between two natural extremes, for one. Also, finding food and water was a pain in the ass. For meat, he had the options of gerbils, snakes that weren't venomous, or certain types of insects. He insisted that he'd rather starve. That only lasted about three days, though, damn it all.

At least Atsuko was nice enough to stick him by an oasis and a few cacti. After all, he was only a Genin.

Afterward, she came to get him. Despite the burns, misery, and malnutrition, Shikamaru thought he'd done pretty darn good. Atsuko found him competent enough to survive for a total desert novice. That was nice, he supposed.

That was the easy part, though. When the two were assigned actual missions, she thought it'd be fun to make a game out of things such as Bug Duty. He now could possess over a thousand roaches and kill them in the blink of an eye. It was a skill he _totally_ couldn't have lived without, really.

You could fry an egg on most lower-class homes, hot as fuck as they were. Every drop of saliva seemed to evaporate from his mouth on a regular basis, and half the homes smelled like rotten ass, especially after exterminating the roaches. The worst part was having to clean the carcases up, which Atsuko-sensei also made a game of (whoever cleans the most in the span of thirty-seven seconds is treated to lunch. Oh, his poor wallet.) She loved to play. She also loved to bitch at him for being too slow.

Taijutsu training was her favorite, mostly because she was quick as the wind and, like the wind, appeared invisible in her attacks until it was too late. This woman put Rock Lee to shame. The object of this game was to be able to block her invisible attacks and try and possess her with his shadow. To this day Shikamaru hasn't been able to possess her. He's been able to study the power of her strikes and blurs of her speeding figure, but that's as far as he'd come. Apparently it was pretty damn good for a novice.

Today, after being able dodge every attack she threw his way, she recognized him as a worthy candidate of the Chuunin exams. He collapsed to the ground in a perspiring heap and thanked whatever deity watching over him that this torment was now over.

With a book placed over his eyes, Shikamaru thought he might take another nap. Just thinking of what he'd been through these past few months made him tired. Funny, for all that he was needed here in Sunagakure, he hadn't seen much of Temari. He saw Gaara every day, and each mission he assigned was as annoying as the last, but Atsuko seemed quite enthusiastic about them. Maybe she just liked watching others suffer, or maybe it was Gaara that enjoyed his suffering. It was as though he'd compiled a list of Sunagakure's Most Hated Missions and assigned them to Shikamaru.

Despite having to treat Atsuko-sensei a countless amount of times, Shikamaru still had a small fortune in his name. Temari, having been one of the higher-ups all her life didn't need the money, but Shikamaru was glad to have it, just because.

The baby was due any day, now. Any moment, really. Aside from his training, another reason he hadn't seen much of her was because she was ordered to have lots of rest. If she wasn't stuck doing office work, she was stuck in bed sleeping. He wondered why that bothered her so much. After all, if he were in her shoes he'd do nothing BUT rest! Carrying all that extra weight around, not to mention having a pair of concerned brothers breathing down her neck, and an ass of a father-to-be who was never around, that all had to have taken _some_ kind of toll on her. He'd come across her shouting at Kankuro a few times, though he supposed that was just the family love there. She never would raise her voice at Gaara, though the Kazekage's word was absolute for the protection of his people; however, Temari was more than just _'his people'_. She was his sister, and that meant something to him these days.

The people in this country really loved and respected her. Shikamaru supposed he should start doing the same before the people grew dubious of their relationship.

_Love._ Shikamaru rolled that one around in his head a few times. He certainly wouldn't call what they had in the beginning _'love'_, not by a long-shot. Although, Shikamaru was just a simple kind of guy. He couldn't be bothered to make a big deal out of something so trivial. On the flip side, he had given up his home all too easily just to come here. Maybe not easily, but the decision he made was a concise and absolute one. Even after all the crap he'd been through since his arrival, he couldn't say he regretted it, even if it all turned out to be more troublesome than the alternatives would have been. He couldn't imagine things being any other way, though. Unlike Konoha, in this village he felt more driven. Shikamaru had goals he wanted to meet, not just for the baby's sake, or for Temari's, but for himself. There was nothing he particularly wanted out of life other than simplicity, a select few buddies he could trust, and the occasional bit of excitement here and there. Also, he wanted to be a good person that his loved ones could depend on. If that meant he had to go back to being a Chuunin, that's exactly what he'd do.

He could get all that just as easily here as he could Konoha. No, he didn't like Suna nearly as much. It was hot, buggy, miserable, and the people were a far cry from charming. He missed dorking around with Chouji and Ino who weren't just his team mates, but the two best friends he'd ever had. He missed all the buddies he made at the academy, pain in the ass as some-_coughNarutocough_ were. He missed his parents, even if his mom was hag and his dad was a dork. He missed the idea of being able to give Jiro a hand once he started attending the academy. Geez, he fucking missed _Tsunade_, in all her psychotic, drunken glory, though he insisted he wouldn't.

Missed them as he did, he had no desire to give up and turn back. It wasn't that he couldn't, but that he wouldn't. The best thing that ever happened to his dull life was Temari, so now he had to be the best thing that's ever happened to her in return. He supposed that counted as _'love'._ Yeah, he's stuck with her now, he might as well love her, too.

On that thought, the one he loved just happened to be standing there right in front of him. He'd detected her presence for awhile, but when a smile crept its way across his face, the binding of the book he'd placed over his eyes was pinched shut and pulled from his face. Temari tossed the book aside and placed her hands on her hips, observing him with a smile on her face.

"Rough day?" she asked. His eyes bounced from her face, to her stomach, to her face again. He had grown anxious of the baby's arrival. It was due, the doctors estimated, three days ago, meaning it could arrive at any time. Temari had been bed bound in that time, and where Shikamaru had been wanting to see her, Atsuko kept him busy to the point of passing out in the middle of training. Were these Chuunin exams really going to be THAT tough?

Looking up at her, he supposed the gentleman in him should stand and offer her his seat, but if she wanted it she would have taken it by force, pregnant or otherwise. When his legs stopped feeling like jello, he at least pushed himself upward and stood beside her. Her ankles weren't in good shape, and where her expression hid it well, every other part of her suggested otherwise. Tough as she was, Shikamaru wanted her to take it easy just as much as everyone else did.

"Sit," he said.

She just kind of glared at him, rolled her eyes, and sat. Yeah, he knew she got this a lot, but he could only imagine what it felt like. Being pregnant looked like a it sucked a lot and, well, he wanted her to be as comfortable and she could be.

Moments of silence ticked by. It was already one in the morning, so nap number two or three came in somewhere between him contemplating the hell he went through with Atsuko-sensei, then how he felt for Temari.

"I've done nothing_ but _sit all day," she murmured, rubbing the big bump of her belly thoughtfully. For someone who's done nothing all day, she sure looked exhausted, pained, worried even. "I want this all to be over with."

"It will be." She didn't seem to mind when he took her hand, so he just held it in both of his and leaned his forehead into it. He wasn't good at this affection thing, but he had to do something. She was so... she was _different_ this way. Well, yeah, in some ways his mom was, too. Pregnancy was such an odd thing, but this... this really was something else. This was his child, and this was the woman he loved carrying said child. It was troublesome, but there was much he had to learn and put up within the years to come. "The exams are tomorrow. Maybe I'll be recognized as a Chuunin before, you know... "

"Atsuko-san says you've been taking her curriculum very seriously," said Temari. She seemed pleased. It would explain why she wasn't here to reprimand him for lazing about in the library when he should be in bed sleeping. "Don't let that blind your judgment, though. You don't know what you're going to be up against tomorrow so you'd better be prepared.

"Please don't die," she said in a voice barely below a whisper, if such a voice existed. Those words got a good squeeze on his heart, though he didn't let it show. After all, Temari was the woman. She needed to be the emotional one right now.

Shikamaru half-expected there to be tears in her eyes, but even in such a vulnerable state that just wasn't her. She didn't bother to mask the hurt and worry in her demeanor, though. Oh, come on! He could sweep the floor with those wimpy Genin. Well, okay, Sabaku no Gaara was a _'wimpy'_ Genin at one point, so he supposed he shouldn't underestimate his opponents. Still, he felt Temari was worrying for nothing.

He got down on his knees and rested his head in his arms upon her lap. He would have liked to have his head closer to her belly, but she was a petite girl. What she lacked in abdominal length she made up for in legs. He always thought she had the best damn legs in the world, but now he was cursing their length. Ah, oh well. Long as they were, they were still the best, and they were all his.

"Tell you what," Shikamaru said to the arm of the chair, though he was talking to Temari. "I won't die. I'll do whatever it takes to become a Chuunin."

His eyelids lowered, and he took a deep breath, bracing himself for what he dared to ask next.

"If I become a Chuunin, you will become my wife. Does that seem like a fair deal?"

Silence. Well, okay, he supposed that the worst that could happen was her killing him right on the spot for being so bold. He figured they'd arrive at this point eventually, better sooner than later if you asked him. When her pregnancy finally went public, the village wasn't too reluctant to accept it. Konoha was Suna's greatest ally, and Shikamaru was seen as a valuable asset to the village. He supposed he'd be part-school teacher and part-battle adviser; same damn thing as Konoha, basically. No one seemed to respect his happiness.

Having a wife and kid would make up for it, though.

There was a sharp intake of breath from above which startled Shikamaru right to his feet. Temari looked like she was in pain. It... it must have.

_Oh shit._

"You need to get to the hospital, Temari."

He helped her up out of the chair, and yet all she did was sink into his embrace. Rather, it wasn't an embrace, so much as her hands clutching each of his shoulders and her forehead leaning into his chest. He gave her arm a few good rubs, trying to be as patient as possible as she was getting a hold of herself, though in all actuality he felt as though he were about to faint. It was starting to happen, and he didn't really know what to do. Brother-to-be and father-to-be were entirely different things here!

He did the only thing he could do, and that was wait for her to relax before he could start going crazy.

"Shikamaru." She pried her head from his chest and looked him in the eye. This was a no-room-for-argument type of glare, was it? Not that he would; it wasn't like he was the pregnant one or anything, but that didn't stop him from being nervous. "Get Kankuro and tell him to come straight here. Afterward, you are to go straight to bed."

"Te-"

"Punch yourself in the head as hard as you can if that's what you have to resort to to get a full night of sleep. You're going to need it. The Chuunin exams are at ten, don't be late. Finish as quickly as you can and do your best. Next time I see you, I want you in your Chuunin vest. I want you back where you belong.

"There's no other way I can accept you... your proposal, you understand."

He did understand. He understood that all women were the same, what with their significance and other BS, and their being impossible and troublesome. The difference between Temari and all other women, however, was that Temari was _his _woman. If he had to bend over backwards to make her his, he would. He at least owed her that much.

"If that's how it's going to be, I will. I'll become a Chuunin, or I'll die trying."

"You won't die!" she snapped. "You'd better succeed, no matter what!"

"If you say so. Take it easy, you've got more important things to worry about," he said, and in a fit of madness his mind could no longer process her earlier request. Something about Kankuro and punching himself in the face, was it? Or punching Kankuro in the face? There was no way he was getting any sleep tonight, at least not until Temari was safe in the hospital wing, prepared to give birth. He had to get her there. He had...

He got as far as the library's main entrance before seeing stars, and the feel of her wrist gripped in his hand slipped away just as quickly as his consciousness.

---

"You called?" said Gaara, appearing in a wisp of sand in the library's doorway. Now, when faced with a problem Gaara would normally be the last person Temari would think to confide in. The guy had enough of his own problems to fit into about three or four lifetimes, but for whatever reason his name just kind of slipped from her lips, and there he was. Good. He wasn't prone to panic, so maybe, just maybe he'd listen to reason.

"I apologize for bothering you, but," started Temari. Then she lifted the limp, unconscious figure of Shikamaru by the shirt, and tossed him to Gaara. Albeit awkward, Gaara managed to get Shikamaru's body into a sort of half-hold, one arm around the waist being his only support. Before Gaara could question her, she continued, "_that_ was being a problem. Please place him somewhere where he can rest for the night. He's got a busy day tomorrow."

"You look distressed," said Gaara, now with a better grip on Shikamaru's still form. He could see the bruise forming where Temari had struck to knock him out. She clearly wasn't in the mood to be argued with at the moment. Nevertheless, Gaara pressed on with thoughts of his own. "You ought to go to the hospital, now."

"No kidding. Just do as I ask, please, and keep an eye on him. I'm more concerned for him than I am for myself."

"He's not the pregnant one."

"Gaara! JUST _GO!_"

She had raised her voice at him. She had her finger pointed toward the door. If eyes could breathe fire the entire village would have gone aflame in her gaze. Temari was out of her mind, but that and being pregnant seemed fairly interchangeable. She wouldn't tolerate this any longer. She wanted Shikamaru in bed asleep. She wanted him ready for the trials tomorrow would bring. She needed Kankuro _here_. _Now_. Not to mention the little bugger in her stomach was coming out TONIGHT if she had to freakin' claw it out from where she was standing. Dare she think it'd be the first grotesque thing to ever disturb Gaara? Oh, oh she certainly did.

"Don't shout at me, Temari."

"Then do as I say, for the love of_-ow fuck-_"

The kid must have heard the remark in her mind about her clawing it out because it seemed more eager to come out, now. Men were so useless, and now _Gaara_ of all people was no fucking exception!

"Temari."

"Send Kankuro here, he'll look after me. You look after Shikamaru." When Gaara didn't respond, she filled the gap of silence with a long sigh and had to refrain from tearing out her hair in chunks. "I'd get on my knees and beg if that's what it took to get through to your thick skull, but that'd be kind of difficult in my state, don't you think?"

"Yes," said Gaara. He wasn't quite used to being anything less than the absolute boss, so for his sister to bark very blatant orders and insults at him startled and confused him a bit. Nevertheless, she was usually right, and now didn't seem like an exception. So whatever held him back from adhering to her request, well, he'd just have to suppress it. "I suppose it would be.

"Very well. I'll have Kankuro escort you to the hospital wing. You're not to leave there until the medics release you and the child from their care."

"Right, right! Yes!" Although she was frustrated, she was also relieved that she had gotten through to him. Good boy. Now go babysit the worthless, possible husband-to-be while she popped the kid out!

"Thank you, Gaara."

His body and Shikamaru's vanished from sight the moment her gratitude came, and all she could do was wait for Kankuro to arrive. This was going to be a long night. She prayed that Shikamaru would make this all worth it by gaining back his Chuunin title. The marriage thing wasn't sounding half-bad, but he'd have to earn it first.

---

There were very little structures in this world Nara Shikamaru was incapable of napping upon. Where a set of bleachers wasn't exactly one of them, feeling his body all but smoke atop one startled him from his lethargic stupor and out into an arena.

At first he thought he was in some kind of horrible dream, but when he turned to face a line of seven possible opponents this morning, their bodies, both radiant in smell and in attitude, brought him to the conclusion that this definitely was NOT a dream.

It was a living nightmare.

Most of the patrons sat in silence, waiting for their Kazekage to announce the first first match-ups. Shikamaru was trying to recall what exactly happened that resulted in him asleep on some filthy bleachers speckled in sand, grime, and cigarette butts. Since he'd been forced to quit, a revulsion toward the habit seemed to form in him again, entirely against his will, of course. He liked to like smoking. Why did that have to change?

Temari complained about it a few times. Well, that would do it. Speaking of which, he fucking remembered! The library, the proposal, her... she...

_The baby._

Oh crap, _what was he doing?_ He had to-

**:: NARA SHIKAMARU v.s. SWIFT ::**

-it had to wait, now. He knew she'd kill him if he left, but how could he not?

Because she told him he'd die if he screwed up. If this Swift didn't kill him, she sure as hell _would!_

To make things all the more frustrating, Atsuko-sensei was making a point to take Ino's place in his life. She was cheering for him stupid, flinging insults at him, then cheering again. The rest of the crowd started to stir. A fair mix of boos and cheers came his way; however, most of the booing came from what Shikamaru guessed was Swift's team, which contained a guy who sort-of reminded him of Naruto at that age, same blond hair and shrill voice, but his face looked as though it'd been punched pretty far in at one point. If he had to guess, he'd say it were that girl with the long, green hair and tight lips that sent him that punch. Who else? Women were abusive, plain and simple. That was Swift's cheering squad.

Swift himself was a notably short boy. He couldn't have been any younger than eleven, given the tiny sprouts of facial hair that hung from his freckled jaw and chin. His height did suggest otherwise, though. From all this, Shikamaru wagered a guess that this boy was _'Swift'_ because he was fast. Having little height meant having little weight, and little weight was easier to carry. It was also easier to lose track of. If Shikamaru was correct, and he was about 95 percent sure that he was, this fight would end in five minutes. He hadn't been trained by a _real_ speed demon all this time for nothing, after all.

Actually, Shikamaru had miscalculated. The fight ended in less than two minutes. Obviously somebody needed to sharpen this little guy's perception of the _'look underneath the underneath'_ rule because _'Swift'_ was so obvious that it was unreal. Now, Swift justified that with being exactly the point, thinking he could fool his analytical opponent into seeing more than meets the eye, when there was nothing to see. Clever, but not good enough. It was never prudent to completely disregard assumptions that seem too obvious. Shikamaru would have to keep that in mind from now on.

Thanks to that brat, he didn't even have to break a sweat this time around.

An hour later, his name popped up on the roster again. He was up against a freakin' woman. This woman had a cigarette in her mouth and liked to strut. She also blew a cloud of smoke into his face.

Pssh, oh please. That wasn't even remotely tough, considering some of the good shit he's tried, but he decided not to get into all that. If Temari didn't want him smoking then he wouldn't do it. It wasn't that great a sacrifice anyway.

Hmm, something was wrong, he thought. The smoke before his eyes refused to disperse, clouding his accuracy by about 80 percent. He saw shapes and colors, but he didn't see any movement. Where was the stadium? Where were the people? Why the hell did his head feel so heavy all of a sudden?

_The smoke._

PUNCH. CRACK. OW.

Well THAT fucking hurt. It wasn't fatal, but the blood was trickling down his lip, and damn if he could afford to take another blow like that. He had to act and think fast. Was there any way to make this smoke disappear? Was there any way to bring himself away from the smoke? Was there any way he could keep her from attacking again? If only he could see her...

And then it hit him. He didn't need to see her to get her, just like... just like the cock roaches! For every one you see there are fifty you don't, but that doesn't change the fact that they must _all_ be exterminated.

That's when his shadow possession dispersed into a million different directions, and the bitch was _snared_! He forced her to admit defeat, then told her she'd be a lot more attractive if she quit smoking. She cursed and stormed off.

Well, first match he didn't break a sweat, and second he sustained minimal damage. Not bad. If he didn't have two cracked ribs he'd be at 100 percent for his final opponent. Oh well, he'd just have to make do.

Now, unlike the last two opponents, the third sent a real nasty chill up his spine. The two of them were placed to face off in the finals. The only part of this Genin you could see were his eyes, but the rest of him was covered head to toe in black and mesh. He was completely silent, not exuding an ounce of adolescent confidence or ignorance. There was no freaking way this guy was a Genin. Hell, he probably wasn't even a Chuunin. There was so much more to him. So much-

But Shikamaru didn't have time to contemplate this. Go means go, and the match had begun. The guy seemed to be testing him, starting off as basic as one can get with kunai, shurikens, and taijutsu. Okay, no problem. Training with Atsuko-sensei sharpened his reflexes, so none of this guy's attacks were connecting. Shikamaru would find this pathetic, if an itch on the back of his neck weren't telling him to be extremely wary of what's to come.

That itch was correct. Somehow, Shikamaru had managed to be completely blind-sided by a binding technique this ninja had performed on him. He couldn't move his arms or legs at all, and he couldn't see exactly what it was that held him so still. All he knew was that he couldn't afford to stay this open to attack for so long, especially with an opponent who simply wouldn't voice his intentions. Well, duh, it was obvious what his intentions were, to kill, kill, and kill very slowly. One cut turned into two, following two came four, then eight, then, aaahhh crap! Hello, poison. Damn, did these Sand fiends like to play rough.

Okay, cool it. There was a way out of this. There was a way out of this because there _had_ to be. He had no choice but to have a way. He had the happiness of a woman and a child riding on his shoulders. He...

"I... "

Nothing was coming to mind but the numbing, earth-shattering pain. How could he have underestimated his opponent so easily? More-so, how could a ninja this skilled end up in an exam meant for mere _Genin_-level ninja? The answer was there somewhere. While he was still alive and breathing, he would have to find it. He...

"I... "

_Slice. Zwip. Slice. Zwip. Slice._ It was like a song, now. If it weren't so painful, the consistent beat could be peaceful. He could hear peaceful music in his head, as a child in his arms was lulled to sleep. Jiro? Nah, Jiro wasn't that cute. But would he hold his child? Not at this rate he wouldn't. The more he was sliced and diced, the closer to death he came. The closer to death he came, the less his mind worked in his favor. Shikamaru had lost this match. He didn't tell Temari he would win, but he did tell her he would try. He also told her that he wouldn't die. He...

"I quit!"

... did the only thing he could do to survive.

---

He lost. He screwed up. All the while, he kept his promise to Temari. Shikamaru had the last of the poison drained from his blood, and medical ninja left and right worked profusely to seal his wounds and numb his pain.

It was no use. One way or another, no matter which way you looked at it, he'd been defeated by a mere Genin. He had done nothing in the final match but fall into a trap. To his defense, it was a very clever, albeit very cruel trap. He couldn't figure it out. His legs were bound to the arena floor by invisible chains, strings maybe, probably similar to those Kankuro used to control his puppets. His wrists were sealed tight as a lock. He could jerk his neck back and forth, but that was all he could do, at least until the poison made him weary. That match was a show of disgrace. No matter what arguments Gaara may propose to the committee, there was no way he earned Chuunin status. He gave up. He didn't even _try_.

The doctors assumed that the tears trickling down his cheeks were due to severe pain, so they injected another pain suppression serum into his blood stream and used more healing jutsus to keep the pain at bay. It actually helped a bit, but he still couldn't help but feel like he deserved every ounce of pain he'd been given on the battlefield. After all, this was a failure, and he'd have to remember it for next time, granted Temari allowed him a _'next time'._

A few hours later, Shikamaru was completely awake, alert, and out of pain. Physical pain, anyway. He'd argue that his opponent was _not_ a Genin, plain and simple. In fact, he probably wasn't even part of the Sand Village at all, and should be investigated immediately. After all, any ninja who simply called himself _'Shadow' _could be considered suspicious. Generic _much_? Oh yeah. This failure was definitely not his. He was set up. That's all there was to it.

Gaara entered the room just as Shikamaru was able to lift himself into a sitting position. The Kazekage seemed to be taking in every detail of his features, as if there were a mark or stain on his face, but he wasn't sure whether or not to say anything. Heh, Shikamaru was sure that there must have been a whole map of scars on his face, considering how his opponent seemed to hack at him every place imaginable. Yeah, he was sure Temari would be thrilled to see that.

"Temari said your vest size is a medium. Is that correct?"

Vest size? Oh. Oh whatever.

"Yeah."

Shikamaru couldn't figure out how Gaara managed to store an entire folded Chuunin vest into his robes, but that's exactly what Gaara did. Even more strange, he'd tossed the vest onto the bed and crossed his arms, as if he were waiting for Shikamaru to throw it on with little patience. Okay, either he was trying to pull something, or Shikamaru had actually, somehow, became a Chuunin.

"I screwed up," said Shikamaru, reluctant to accept the vest until he got some answers. "I quit the fight."

"You didn't give up on what was important," Gaara argued. He eyed the vest, then Shikamaru with a little more ferocity, as if he'd been waiting for this moment forever and didn't want it prolonged any further. The feeling was mutual, but still. This didn't sit right with him. Hadn't he just been completely owned by a mere Genin? A suspicious and freakishly powerful one, yes, but...

"He was going to kill me. Didn't have a choice... "

"I know," said Gaara. This time he bent forward and pushed the vest closer to Shikamaru. "You opponent was not a Genin. She was one of my most powerful and trusted ANBU bodyguards."

Another _'she'_, was it? That hit home even harder, didn't it? And one of the ANBU to boot! He fought a ninja beyond the level of your average Jounin and didn't die. Well, he didn't die because he gave up. Rather, he didn't give up his life because he knew it was fishy from the get-go. He knew his opponent was too powerful. He knew.

"When you said_ 'giving up is considered the greatest offense'_ you didn't mean that literally... "

"Yes, I did," said Gaara. "More specifically, giving up on what's most important is an offense. Giving up on what's insignificant is easily overlooked."

That was it! What was most important wasn't winning a one-on-one against one of Sunagakure's most powerful ANBU, but doing what was doing best. Doing what was best for his country, himself, his wife. Rather, his wife-to-be. Possible wife-to-be. His proposal wasn't exactly set in stone. Gaara seemed to be of the opinion that Shikamaru had done just fine and earned himself a Chuunin rank. Would Temari, though?

Well, he wasn't dead. He promised her he wouldn't die. He fulfilled that promise, and it wasn't easy, either! Could he stop being twelve, now? You know, instead of BS-ing around in Ninja Land, could he maybe bond with his family already?

_Family._ Surely the baby was born by now. Heck, it probably already had a name.

"The baby?" asked Shikamaru, pulling a vest on over his black shirt. Well, somebody must have been thinking of him to keep him out of those hideous paper robes. After all the crap he'd been through, it sure felt good to be wearing one of these vests again. Temari was exactly right about his size, too. She was good.

"Born an hour before you woke up this morning. Her name's Sunako."

Great, more troublesome women to put up with, just what he needs. Funny, he'd dreaded a girl throughout his mother's pregnancy. Next thing he knew, his brother Jiro was born. Lucky him! It didn't even occur to him to decide whether or not he wanted a boy or a girl of his own, though. Frankly, he didn't care, as long as he could be there.

Yeah, that's all that mattered. That, and getting the hell out of this stuffy room already.

---

The exhaustion of having to deal with being the brother of a new-born, or the trainee of Atsuko-sensei, was nothing compared to that of being a parent. A father, even. Oh, Shikamaru would never sleep again at this rate. The crying. _The. Crying._

Although there were nurses up for hire to tend to the baby whenever Temari was ready to step back into action, she hogged her baby. Hell, if she's gonna have a kid she may as well get to be a mother for a bit. She used that to justify her _'temporary'_ disinterest in returning to the field when Gaara offered the option. That's all it was, an offer. He didn't seem lost or confused by Temari's decision to stay home a bit longer. Quite to contrary, Gaara'd been pretty interested in Sunako, too. Seeing Gaara hold a baby had to be the craziest freakin' thing Shikamaru had ever seen, but it seemed to earn him points with the old farts of the council. It definitely wasn't intentional, but it worked in his favor anyway. The once vicious, blood-thirsty Kazekage, now a loving uncle. What will they think of next.

Kankuro seemed disappointed that it wasn't a boy, and was put off by all the crying and diaper stench. Shikamaru couldn't blame him. It was something you just had to get used to. He got used to it with Jiro, and now he was readjusting for Sunako. No problem. The only difference was no longer having the option to crash at Chouji's house whenever it got too annoying. Not to mention he occasionally had to take over when Temari looked as though she were going to fall over and die from the lack of sleep. Something about leaving the kid to the nurses didn't sit right with him. Sunako was better off with actual parents, not caretakers.

Of course, this wouldn't last forever. The baby would have to toughen up sooner or later. By naming her _'Sunako'_ Temari _totally_ wasn't dooming their child to become the next Kazekage at all. Keh, bullshit. That woman couldn't be anymore blatant if she had _'Daughter, Sister, and Mother of Kazekage'_ written all over her face in bold, red ink. Suppose Sunako didn't want to become Kazekage? Well, that was a story that wouldn't occur for quite a few years to come, if at all, but Shikamaru'd keep that to himself for now. Now was baby time.

Rather, it was baby's nap time. Once Temari had Sunako lulled to sleep, she caught him staring at her in the doorway. Her body was different, now. Different from what it was before she'd gotten pregnant. She was still thin and petite for the most part, but she had more hips and ass to speak of. Her hair was a picture of chaos, tied in one single, haphazard pony-tail. Her eyes sagged just the slightest bit in exhaustion, and a few more lines than he was used to creased her face whenever she turned her lips a certain way.

This wasn't the girl he'd met years ago, no. This was much different. This woman could indeed wield a fan of unworldly weight and power, could level many a village with hurricane-like gusts via said fan, and could turn your mouth off with a snip from her's. That was Temari. That was the Temari he was looking at right now, and so much more. This wasn't the girl from all those years ago that he couldn't stand. This was the woman he loved right this moment, hopefully forever.

"Shikamaru," she said, in that voice below a whisper that only she could achieve. This was a voice that didn't make him listen by force, but by grip. When Shikamaru was in such a grip, all he could do was stay put and let her put everything into words. Women liked to talk, after all.

"You." Temari approached him, leaning her head into the crook of his neck where she could nuzzle the vest. He suspected that she liked the vest more than him in that instant, but that was fine. After all, he was wearing it.

He wrapped his arms around her, and she relaxed, really relaxed into his embrace as she never had. Well, this was a good thing. Finally, a little less baby and a little more them, huh? Felt good.

"Thank you," she said, in the most sincere voice that she could muster. Her arms circled around his neck, tightening their embrace for good measure. "Thank you so much."

There was nothing to thank him for, but Shikamaru didn't feel like arguing at the moment. He let her have this one. It'd probably be the first of many arguments left unargued, just because it was Temari. Yeah, this had to be his mom and dad all over again, but it really wasn't that bad. Damn if his old man can beat him at a game of shogi, but he was right about this. Somehow, he was right.

Some stupid mistakes were just fine by him.

[ E N D

**A/N:** First of all, I want to apologize profusely for updating so late. I've recently started my first year of college. I'm a full-time student and am already swamped with work! So, yeah. It doesn't help that inspiration for this chapter just was NOT coming until that one day I happened to catch a head cold and, well, this chapter now exists thanks to that. I do believe I said pre-pregg0r smut and an Epilogue were possible. Possible, but not likely, given the amount of school work and work work I've got. If you guys really want me to squeeze some goodies in, though, you gotta tell me!! I've got more leisure time than I lead even myself to believe, really.

Also, I'm aware I'm about as good at naming children as J. K. Rowling is. XD Sunako's probably already been used, and if it hasn't been it should have! Come on, if Leaf's got a _'Konohamaru' _then Sand's doomed to have a _'Sunako'_, haha. Oh man, I'm such a loser. Oh well, that's okay.

I hope you guys enjoyed this fic, for the most part. I think my next project'll be some nice Sandsib gen, or something more Gaara-centric because I loves him. _-waves GaaLee and GaaNaru flag. gets shot-_ XD;

Be sure to check out my new C2 thingie **Sandness** (I'm so creative, rawfullawl). I'm very much obsessed with Suna-nin, be they as popular and badass as the Sandsibs and Sasori, or minor as Baki-sensei and Matsuri (I'm aware that she's an eeeevil filler-created character, but better that than a Mary Sue. :P)


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